The Numbers of the Beast

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that:

665.999 – Approximate number of the Beast

DCLXVI – Roman numeral of the Beast

666.0000 – Number of the High Precision Beast

0.666 – Number of the Millibeast

/ 666 – Beast Common Denominator

666 ^ (-1) = Imaginary number of the Beast

1010011010 – Binary of the Beast

1-666 – Area code of the Beast

00666 – Zip code of the Beast

1-900-666-0666 – Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.

6, uh… what was that number again? – Number of the Blonde Beast

$665.95 – Retail price of the Beast

$699.25 – Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax

$769.95 – Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul

$656.66 – K-mart price of the Beast

$646.66 – Next week’s K-mart price of the Beast

6.66 % – 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.

DSM-666 – Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast

Route 666 – Highway of the Beast

666i – BMW of the Beast

666 F – Oven temperature for roast Beast

666k – Retirement plan of the Beast

Lotus 6-6-6 – Spreadsheet of the Beast

Word 6.66 – Word Processor of the Beast

i66686 – CPU of the Beast

668 – Next-door neighbor of the Beast

Continue ReadingThe Numbers of the Beast

Church Humor…

Author Unknown

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."

Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won’t have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."

During a children’s sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means – ‘Tha-tha-tha-that’s all folks!’"

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had."

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn’t know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

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The Rabbi and the Pope

Author Unknown

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope’s private chambers.

"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

"It’s my direct line to the Lord!"

The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.

After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."

The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.

He checks the counter on the phone and says: "Allright! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)

The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.

A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi’s chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi’s phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment.

After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" ($0.42)

The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"

The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."

Continue ReadingThe Rabbi and the Pope

Why God Never Received a Ph.D.

Author Unknown

He had only one major publication.

It was in Hebrew.

It had no references.

It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.

Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.

When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

Some say he had his son teach the class.

He expelled his first two students for learning.

Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.

His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

Continue ReadingWhy God Never Received a Ph.D.

Coffee 23

Author Unknown

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal ™:
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and
I will dwell in the House of Mocha’s forever.


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A Visit to the Pope

Author Unknown

A man walked in to Joe’s Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What’s up?"

The man proceeds to explain he’s taking a vacation to Rome.

"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It’s a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You’d be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"

"We’re taking TWA," the man replies.

"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They’re a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late! So where you staying in Rome?"

The man says "We’ll be at the downtown International Marriot."

"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That’s the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they’re overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We’re going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."

"HA! That’s rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You’re going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling. It’s the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn’t get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What’d he say?"

"Oh, not much really. Just "Where’d you get that awful haircut?"

Continue ReadingA Visit to the Pope

The First Sermon

Author Unknown

The new priest, at his first Mass, was so afraid that he was unable to speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Put some martinis in the water pitcher. After a few sips, you should relax enough and everything should go smoothly." The next week the young priest put his elder’s suggestion into practice and really talking up a storm. After the sermon, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "A definite improvement over last week but I think there are a few things you should learn before you address the congregation again."

FIRST: Next time, sip the martinis rather than gulping them down.

SECOND: There are 10 commandments, not 12.

THIRD: There are 12 disciples, not 10.

FOURTH: David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

FIFTH: We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ, and his disciples as "The late J.C. and the boys."

SIXTH: Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

SEVENTH: We do not refer to the Cross as the "Big T."

EIGHTH: The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."

NINTH: The recomended grace before Meals AND Communion is NOT "RUB-A-DUB-DUB, THANX FOR THE GRUB, YEAH GOD!"

TENTH: And last, but not least, it’s the Virgin Mary, NOT "Mary with the Cherry!!!"

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The Preacher’s Ass

Author Unknown

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race his mule came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline:


The preacher was so pleased that he entered the mule in another race. This time it won and the paper said:


The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:


This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said:


The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for $10.00. The paper said:


They buried the bishop the next day.

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Parrot Problems

Author Unknown

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That’s terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

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