Archives: February 2000

Fun Things To Do While Taking Your Driving Test

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!" Knock over every cone while doing manoeuvrability. In

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Fun Things to Do in Your Car

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer. Honk and wave to strangers. Write "X – BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." Specify that your drive-through order

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How Many List Members Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about

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A Family By Choice

By Kathleen Schuckel Reprinted from The Indianapolis Star INDIANAPOLIS (Sun. Jan. 9, 2000) — Butch Kimmerling adopted his 8-year-old foster child to keep her from becoming a gay man’s daughter. Kimmerling, 52, is now accused of molesting the little girl, and has admitted it. Even as Kimmerling prepares to go to court soon on 10

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The Ultimate Survey

Every so often, someone sends around one of those massive “getting to know you” questionnaires and everyone answers. I’ve done it so many times that I finally just created a web page for mine, added questions that hadn’t already been included, and sent the URL to them. So if you want to know more about me than my own mother (or any living person actually should know) here’s the big, fat list.

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Darwin Awards 2000

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

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Silly State Laws

North Carolina: It is illegal to make love on the floor of a hotel room between two double beds.

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The Raft

And you thought this only happened in the movies. Jerry swears this story about a rubber boat really happened to him…

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A Heartwarming Story

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

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Customer "Support" At A Phone Company

I work in Boston, Massachusetts. A co-worker just told me this true story that happened to him this morning. He had a dispute about a phone-card bill for long distance service from his long-distance carrier, which we shall refer to by the three-letter acronym TLA to protect the guilty.

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Accidental Accident Reports

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.

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In the Park

Actual comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness registration sheets and comment cards:

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The Landing

This is in fact a true letter written by an 8-year-old onboard a Quantus flight. She handed it to a flight attendant to give to the captain.

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College Chemistry Humor

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

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Ain’t Kids A Gas?

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? I hope you remember my story when they start getting frustrated.

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Actual Driving School Exam Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

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Student Bloopers, Part 7 – Science Facts & Legends

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and class room discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain’s contention that the ‘most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.’

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Student Bloopers, Part 6 – High School Essay Contest: Worst Analogies

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

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Student Bloopers Part 2 – World History

Author: Richard Lederer, St. Paul’s School One of thefringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through

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Student Bloopers, Part 1 – European History

Those who forget history–and the English language–may be condemned to mangle both. Historian Anders Henriksson, a five- year veteran of the university classroom, has faithfully recorded his freshman students’ more striking insights into European history. Possibly as an act of vengeance, Henriksson has assembled these fractured fragments into a chronological narrative from the Middle Ages to the present.

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The Psychic Dog

Author Unknown It’s common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be

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A Little Extra Effort

In Melbourne, Fl. one of the radio stations paid money ($100-$500) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner: I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning

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The Wisdom Of Supermodels

Note: Most of these quotes have been debunked on Snopes.com as untrue. ON COURAGE: "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, ‘Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind.’" -Cindy Crawford ON POVERTY: "Everyone should have enough money to

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Travel Agent Stories

The following are actual stories told by travel agents… A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that’s the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

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Video Trouble

Phone call actually received by someone I know, from next-door neighbor: "Our cable TV is having interference right now, is yours?" "Not as far as I know… what channel are you watching?" "We’re not watching a channel. We’re playing a tape." During the Gulf war, here in Israel, there was a family watching the Cosby

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The Bricklayer’s Accident Report

This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick is this Bricklayer’s report:

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Quotes Taken from Performance Evaluations

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." "I would not allow this employee to breed." "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

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Actual Job Interview Excerpts

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The low lights: Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn’t get the job, it would prove that the company’s management was incompetent. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

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My Manager Really Said This

A magazine recently ran a Dilbert quotes contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions

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Kids Say The Darndest Things

Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute, very enlightening, and amusing.

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Carjacking Foiled – A True Story…

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon return, found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she knew how to use the gun and she would if required: so get out of the car, NOW!

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Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. At the evening service tonight, the

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So You Think You’re Having A Bad Day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

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What To Do If An Anaconda Attacks You

Excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle. It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you. Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.

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What the Airport Gate Attendants Think of You

Nick says: This was given to me by an Continetal airline gate attendant at Newark International Airport. We had been standing around chatting for a couple of hours while a plane was flown in to take me on a MUCH delayed flight.

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At the Airline Ticket Counter

During the final days at Denver’s old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

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Actual Newpaper Ads

These ads supposedly appeared in real papers. "Bite the wax tadpole." – Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." – ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese "It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." – Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad "Retraction:

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Military Aircraft Registration Card

This was actually posted as a joke very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) – and made the web department take it down immediately. (McDonnell Douglas, now a part of Boeing, is one of the world’s chief suppliers of military aircraft.)

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The Ultimate Email Urban Legend

Author Unknown A young man was diagnosed with a life-threatening bout of food poisoning after eating part of a cooked rat that had fallen into his eight-piece chicken dinner that he had purchased from Kentucky Fried Chicken. After his recovery, he felt great, and remembering that it was National Friendship week, he asked his geeky

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One-Liners From Your Favorite Comics

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too. – Jake Johansen A study in the Washington Post

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The Bet

An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank. Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President’s secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman.

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A Little Kiss

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.

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Farmer’s Daughters

Author Unknown A farmer had three lovely daughters that he never allowed to date. The girls were beginning to worry that if they didn’t get the opportunity to date soon, they would all end up old spinsters. So after all three repeatedly begged the farmer to be allowed to date, he said, " OK girls,

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101 Things You Shouldn’t Say During Sex

author unknown 1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something burning? 5. (in a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead… 6. Try breathing through your nose. 7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone! 8. Is

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Where Am I?

by R. Paxon A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled,

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Techno Toasters

Author Unknown If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters… You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your

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Watch Out For These Computer Viruses

Author Unknown Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline Luggage Virus: You’re in Chicago, but your data is in Singapore. Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card. AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you’re getting with them as

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Computer Geek T-Shirts

Author Unknown Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. 2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of 2. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. My software never

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Job Position Ad for SoulWaste

Join the dynamic team here at SoulWaste. We want people who believe in the hi-tech religion and who are willing to work 60 hour weeks under florescent lights in grey buildings with windows that don’t open.

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12 Tips for Managers and Bosses

Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.

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Business Horoscopes

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

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Computer Definitions

404: Someone who’s clueless. From the WWW message "404, URL not found." Meaning that the document you’ve tried to access can’t be located. "Don’t bother asking him; he’s 404."

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