Archives: September 1999

Bobby Knight in Heaven

Author Unknown After Bobby Knight dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on tour. He shows Bobby a little two-bedroom house with a faded Texas Tech banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, coach. Most people don’t get their own houses up here," God says. Bobby looks at the house,

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The Beer Prayer

Author Unknown, but thanks to Jesus for the inspiration Our Lager, Which art in Barrels Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk) at home as it is in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, and forgive us our spillages as we forgive those who spill against us.

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In the Sistine Chapel

Michelangelo is painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel when he sees an old woman praying the rosary. He decides to take a break and lies back on the scaffolding so the woman can’t see him and says in a loud voice, "I am Jesus Christ. Listen to me and I will perform miracles." The

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A Little Accident

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, "So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars.

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What time is it in Heaven?

Author Unknown A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter, so, he says "I’m not very busy today, I’ll show you around." The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and

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The Nature of Man

Author Unknown God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no

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Math is Hard

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort,they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious

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A Pretty Bad Day

Author Unknown Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your

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Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical

Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SL: Have you noticed that a man has

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Arthritis

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading— a

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The Joys of Technology

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap

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Three Proofs That Jesus Was…

Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into his father’s business 2. He lived at home until the age of 33 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,and his mother was sure he was God Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He never held a

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Inspiring Sermon

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river!" The congregation nodded their approval. With even greater emphasis he added, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and

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Writer’s Paradise

Author Unknown A writer dies and due to a bureaucratic snafu in the the afterworld, she is allowed to choose her own fate: heaven or hell for all eternity. Being a very shrewd dead person, she asks St. Peter for a tour of both. The first stop is hell where she sees rows and rows

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The Letter

Author Unknown After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I’m very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are

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Jesus Is Watching You

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to stuff into his sack, he heard a strange disembodied voice come through the darkness: "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin! He shut off his flashlight and

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The Pope and the Janitor

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If

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The Numbers of the Beast

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that: 665.999 – Approximate number of the Beast DCLXVI – Roman numeral of the Beast 666.0000 – Number of the High Precision Beast 0.666 – Number of the Millibeast / 666 – Beast Common Denominator 666 ^ (-1) =

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Church Humor…

Author Unknown Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance." Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please

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The Rabbi and the Pope

Author Unknown The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope’s private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff. "It’s my direct line to the Lord!" The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope

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Why God Never Received a Ph.D.

Author Unknown He had only one major publication. It was in Hebrew. It had no references. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. The

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Coffee 23

Author Unknown Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze. It maketh me to wake in green pastures: It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses. It restoreth my buzz: It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will

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A Visit to the Pope

Author Unknown A man walked in to Joe’s Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What’s up?" The man proceeds to explain he’s taking a vacation to Rome. "ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It’s a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You’d be crazy to

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The First Sermon

Author Unknown The new priest, at his first Mass, was so afraid that he was unable to speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Put some martinis in the water pitcher. After a few sips, you should relax enough and everything should go

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The Preacher’s Ass

Author Unknown A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

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Parrot Problems

Author Unknown A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That’s terrible!"

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Top 12 Sexual Lines in Star Wars

1. She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid. 2. Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough! 3. Look at the size of that thing! 4. Sorry about the mess… 5. You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought. 6. Aren’t you a little short for

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How To Write Good

by Frank L. Visco and others Always avoid alliteration. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. Avoid clichés like the plague — they’re old hat. Employ the vernacular. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. Parenthentical words however must be enclosed in commas. It is wrong to ever split an

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How To Determine YOUR Star Wars Name

Author Unknown For your new first name: 1. Take the first 3 letters of your 1st name 2. and add the first 2 letters of your last name. For your new last name: 3. Take the first 2 letters of your Mom’s maiden name 4. and add the first 3 letters of the city you

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English Subtitles

From Harper’s Magazine July issue From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, compiled by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book Sex and Zen and a Bullet in the Head, to be published in August by Fireside. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. Fatty,

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Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra

Author Unknown 10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper." 9. "One-a-day, like iron." 8. "Get a piece of the rock." 7. "You’ve come a long way, baby." 6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take ’em." 5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman." 4. "Tastes great, more filling." 3. "Viagra, built ram tough."

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Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

Author Unknown Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness. Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that? Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie. Oh no! I

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Top 15 Complaints of a Modern Day Vampire

author unknown 15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead. 14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap. 13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs. 12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time 11. Can’t enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma!

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Theme Songs For The Viagra Commercials

Author Unknown While Pfizer has had a lot of great press reagarding the launch of Viagra, the new male impotency medication, its marketing department has been working vigorously to develop its advertising campaign to augment its sales once all of the PR has died down. While going through potential commercials, they realized that such an

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Revised State Mottoes

Author Unknown Alabama: At Least We’re not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong! Arizona: Dehyd-rific! – or – But It’s a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthang California: As Seen on TV

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Viagra Causes Panic

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) — Viagra, the new pill for impotence approved by the Food and Drug Administration on Friday, is already causing problems across the country. The FDA had said a man would need to by sexually aroused before the drug would work, but apparently failed to consider that most men walk around in a

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Questions to Ponder about Viagra

Author Unknown If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut? If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart? I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had

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Product Slogans That Never Quite Caught On

Author Unknown Charmin: "Butt… Wipe… Err." Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?" Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum." MTV: "Loud and easy to spell." Saks Fifth Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You’re Poor, But That Would be Stupid." Iguana: "The other green meat." Penis Enlargement Specialists: "It Don’t Mean a Thing If

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Downsides to Buying Sperm Over the Internet

author unknown 12. "To purchase our official applicator/turkey baster for an additional $6.99, click here." 11. After your purchase, you keep getting junk email with the subject "MAKE BABIES FAST!!!" 10. "Marketing Manager" keeps calling to offer "free home delivery." 9. Does the real Stephen Hawking even *have* an AOL account? 8. All of the

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Jean-Paul Sartre’s Cooking Diary

Author Unknown October 3 Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet. October 4 Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I

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What Not To Say To The Police

p class=”author”>Author Unknown 1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in. 3.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are

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Dr. Seuss Books that Were Rejected by His Publisher

Author Unknown How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*ck Out! The Cat in the Microwave Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert Your Colon Can Moo-Can You? The Fox in Detox The Grinch’s Ten Inches One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch Zippy the Gerbil My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket

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Very Short Books

Author Unknown A Guide to Arab Democracies A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman Al Gore: The Wild Years Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean America’s Most Popular Lawyers

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When your professor says this…. he really means this…

Author Unknown This needs some minor revision. = I never actually got around to reading this. My office hours are by appointment only = I like to get out of here early. Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation. = I’ll be fudging your grades. This won’t be on the test. =

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A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels

by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well- intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is

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Great Oxymorons

p class=”author”>Author Unknown Act naturally Advanced BASIC Airline Food Almost exactly Alone together American history British fashion Business ethics Butt head Childproof Christian scientists Clearly misunderstood Computer jock Computer security Definite maybe Diet ice cream Exact estimate Extinct Life Found missing French bravery Genuine imitation Good grief Government organization Legally drunk Living dead Microsoft Works

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Peter’s Evil Overlord List

This list is Copyright 1996 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached. See Peter’s List for a more complete, complex version. Being an Evil Overlord seems to be

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New Metric Conversions

Author Unknown 10**12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone 10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles 500 millilaries = 1 seminary 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds 10 cards = 1 decacards 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn 10**-6 = 1 microfiche 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 10**21 piccolos = 1 gigolo 10 rations = 1 decoration 100 rations

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Strange Bedfellows

Author Unknown If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho. If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it’s the ’90’s!, he’d

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The Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans

Author Unknown 16. We’re working on that smell thing, too. 15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car. 14. As seen on "COPS" 13. If We’d Known You Were Staying All Night, We’d Have Changed the Sheets

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Children’s Books You’ll Never See

These were from a Washington Post contest: "You Were an Accident" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon; Barry Blyveis, Columbia) "Strangers Have the Best Candy" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "The Little Sissy Who Snitched" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Some Kittens Can Fly!" (David Genser, Arlington)

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Kennedy – Lincoln Similarities

Author Unknown Snopes.com goes over this list and helps understand how some of these are merely coincidences, and some are incorrect. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names

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The F Word

Author Unknown Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "Fuck." It is the one magical word, which, just by it’s sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked

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New Scientist Fantasy Headlines

New Scientist has a competition each year in which readers are invited to let their dreams unfold and tell the world the headline they would most like to see (in New Scientist) in the year to come. Here are some past winners: Pope Joan-Paula I approves new contraceptive (Valerie Moyses). Indestrooktibul spel chequer virrus on

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What Should I Major In?

Author Unknown To help you decide, here is a list of the ways professors in different departments grade their final exams: Dept Of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. Dept Of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens

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Dog Breeds That Didn’t Make It

Author Unknown Deerhound + Terrier Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end Spitz + Chow Chow Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water

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Cowboy’s Guide to Life

p class=”author”>Author Unknown Never squat with yer spurs on. Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew… your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence… try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt

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Rules of Chocolate

Author Unknown If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it

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What you should know about Chain Letters

p class=”author”>Author Unknown 1. Big companies don’t do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it’s true". Furthermore, just

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Cartoon Laws of Physics

Author Unknown Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes

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Instructions For Giving Your Cat A Pill

Author Unknown Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close

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Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn

By Dave Barry 1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time. 2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 3. The

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Funny Anagrams

Author Unknown An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. Dormitory == Dirty Room Evangelist == Evil’s Agent Desperation == A Rope Ends It The Morse Code == Here Come Dots Slot Machines == Cash Lost in ’em Animosity ==

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"Bar Speak" – what they really mean

Author Unknown So occasionally you go to the neighborhood bar or pub and hang out. Did you ever really think about all of the conversation going on around you means? "I’ll get this one, next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end….now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll

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