Seuss on Clinton – extended remix

If Dr. Seuss were President Clinton’s lawyer, his deposition might have read something like this.

I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park

I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants

I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you’ve been misled

I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
While talking to Saddam Hussein

I did not do it with a whip
I did not fondle Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey

There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her ’round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I would not, could not, with my wife

Now, that Miss Flowers’ tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers

I did not ask my friends to lie
And then just hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
And if I did, I don’t remember

I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don’t recall
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One

I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least not ever in the nude

These things to which I have confessed
They do not count if we stayed dressed
I never used that big cigar
You must believe me, Mr. Starr

I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you’ve caught me

But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, ever did inhale

Continue ReadingSeuss on Clinton – extended remix

Clinton Family Tree

Author Unknown

One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She’s a wonderful wife but she’s never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I’m afraid you can’t marry him."

Chelsea was heartbroken. After eight months, she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We’re getting married in June."

Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I’m awfully sorry about this."

Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother."

Hillary just shook her head. "Don’t pay any attention to what he says, dear. He’s not really your father."

Continue ReadingClinton Family Tree

Scandal in Heaven!

Christmas Nativity
Christmas Nativity

Author Unknown

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal began when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God’s “only son” last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.

Sources close to Mary claim that she “had loved God for a long time,” that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was “thrilled to have had His child.” In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that “No sexual relationship existed,” and that “the facts of this story will come out in time, verily.”

Independent counsel Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Angelic Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to His illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the “Wise Men.” Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate: That God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub’s investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God’s political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God’s career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a “tough-on-crime” plan consisting of a series of 10 “Commandments,” which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the “Name in Vain” Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

Continue ReadingScandal in Heaven!

The Famous "Wear Sunscreen" Commencement Address

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ’97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they’ve faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40 (get attorneys for hire from here) , maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s. To solve divorce cases, people can check out family law lawyers serving in Bedford

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They’re your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Continue ReadingThe Famous "Wear Sunscreen" Commencement Address

It’s a Small World

This written piece isn’t quite accurate: see more about real statistics on Snopes.com.

If we could shrink the earth’s population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, there would be:

  • 57 Asians
  • 21 Europeans
  • 14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
  • 8 Africans
  • 52 would be female
  • 48 would be male
  • 70 would be non-white
  • 30 would be white
  • 70 would be non-Christian
  • 30 would be Christian
  • 89 would be heterosexual
  • 11 would be homosexual
  • 6 people would possess 59% of the entire world’s wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.
  • 80 would live in substandard housing
  • 70 would be unable to read
  • 50 would suffer from malnutrition
  • 1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
  • 1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
  • 1 would own a computer

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for both acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent.

Continue ReadingIt’s a Small World

The Tree

Tree

Author Unknown

The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit, and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start.

While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door, he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. Oh, that’s my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can’t help having troubles on the job, but one thing’s for sure, troubles don’t belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again."

"Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick ’em up, there ain’t nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."

Continue ReadingThe Tree

The Wise Woman’s Stone

Mandala

Author Unknown

A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food.

The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation.

The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.

"I’ve been thinking," he said, "I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious.

Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone."

Continue ReadingThe Wise Woman’s Stone

Phenomenal Woman

In the poem below, on the line after “the stride of my steps” there should not be any asterisks. But for some reason my content management system blows up whenever I try to take them out.

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I’m not cute or built to suit a model’s fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I’m telling lies.
I say
It’s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
t*h*e*c*u*r*l*o*f*m*y*l*i*p*s
I’m a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That’s me.
Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It’s in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
‘Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That’s me.

Continue ReadingPhenomenal Woman

Humorous American Signs

On an Electrician’s truck – "Let us remove your shorts"

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop – "Best place in town to take a leak"

In a Non-smoking area – "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action"

On Maternity Room door – "Push, Push, Push."

On a Front Door – "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an Optometrist’s Office – "If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place."

On a Scientist’s door – "Gone Fission"

On a Taxidermist’s window – "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist’s window – "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher’s window – "Let me meat your needs."

On another Butcher’s window – "Pleased to meat you."

At a Used Car Lot – "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

On a fence – "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership – "The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop – "No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel – "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

At an Auto Body Shop – "May we have the next dents?"

In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium – "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a Reception Room – "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room – "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On a Music Teacher’s door – "Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company – "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop – "Dye now!"

On the side of a Garbage Truck – "We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got."

On the door of a Computer Store – "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window – "Don’t stand there and be hungry – come in and get fed up!"

Inside a Bowling Alley: – "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

In a Cafeteria – "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

On the door of a Music Library – "Bach in a minuet."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home – "Drive carefully, we’ll wait."

In a Counselor’s office – "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

On a ski lift in Taos, NM – No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.

Official sign near door – Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby – Window frightened.

Guys – No shirt, No service. Girls – No shirt, No charge.

Road sign seen on Cyprus (translation of the Greek) – Caution: Road Slippery from Grape juice.

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race – Let’s see who can go downhill the fastest.

Sign in King’s Canyon in California – Slow Parking Ahead.

MORE OF AN AD THAN A SIGN, but… A billboard seen next to the highway, traveling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads – Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago –
– – – – > Restrooms – – – – >
Please wait for hostess to seat you.

Sign in front of church in Montpelier, VT – Bingo Friday night at 8:00 pm – Quickies Thursday at 7:30 pm.

Seen in a health food store – Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot.

Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense.

A little hole in the wall restaurant – Women are not served here… You have to bring your own.

Sign in a Laundromat – Please remove all of your clothes when the light goes out.

Sign outside a secondhand shop – We exchange anything! Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain!

Sign outside a travel agency – Why Don’t You Just Go Away!

Sign in a London department store – Bargain Basement Upstairs

On same building (Morehead City N.C.) – Cox’s Family Restaurant – Pet store

On the marquis for the Crystal Coast Civic Center (Morehead City N.C.) – H.W. Brown Gun Show, Martin Luther King Festival

Road sign North of Saint Helena, CA – Blind Drive on Right.

Santa Fe gas station – We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

Baltimore estate – Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. –Sisters of Mercy

New Mexico dry cleaners – 38 years on the same spot.

Florida maternity ward – No children allowed.

Loan company office – Ask about our plans for owning your home.

New York convalescent home – For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

Shop in Maine – Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases – Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

Kentucky appliance store – Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

Funeral parlor – Ask about our layaway plan.

Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store – 15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!

Shopping mall marquee – Archery Tournament — Ears pierced.

Outside a country shop – We buy junk and sell antiques.

Maine restaurant – Open 7 days a week and weekends.

New England church – Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

Public school grounds – No trespassing without permission.

Tennessee highway – When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

New Hampshire car wash – If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.

On a Barry Jolly Plumbing Van, Cincinnati area – A flush beats a full house!

On a sign at a little restaurant – Eat here or we’ll both starve

A urologist’s license plate – "NOPCME" (no p c me)

Ohio Road Sign – Prosperity 30 mi -> <- Clinton 70 mi

In a gas station several years ago: – Our Credit Advisor is Mrs. Helen Waite. If you want credit from us, go to Helen Waite.

Advertisement for a radiator repair shop – Best place in town to take a leak

In the key west internationl airport’s souvenier store – unattended children will be sold into slavery

In the bathroom of a mom and pop store – We aim to please, so, please, you aim too.

Sign on a retail store door in Stevens Point, WI – PUSH, if it doesn’t open, PULL, if it still doesn’t open, WE ARE CLOSED.

Continue ReadingHumorous American Signs