Archives: February 1998

Seuss on Clinton – extended remix

If Dr. Seuss were President Clinton’s lawyer, his deposition might have read something like this. I did not do it in a car I did not do it in a bar I did not do it in the dark I did not do it in the park I did not do it on a date

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Clinton Family Tree

Author Unknown One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt." After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have

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Scandal in Heaven!

Author Unknown Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal began when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God’s “only son” last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to

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Darwin Awards 1998

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

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Obituary: The Energizer Bunny

Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening.

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The Buffalo Theory of Drinking

In one episode of “Cheers”, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the “Buffalo Theory” to his buddy Norm: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection

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So Why Aren’t You Married Yet?

Quick Comebacks to that ever annoying Question… I already have enough LAUNDRY to do, thank you. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. It gives my mother something to live for. It didn’t seem worth a blood test. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. What? And

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You Pay For Quality

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

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Down South Valentine

author unknown Kudzu is green, my dog’s name is Blue And I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk A-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s And without all them fleas. You move like the bass, Which excite me in May. You ain’t got no scales But I

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Clone of My Own (Song Parody)

The first verse and chorus are by science fiction writer Randall Garrett. The other verses are by Isaac Asimov. This parody is to be sung to the tune of Home on the Range. Oh, give me a clone Of my own flesh and bone With its Y-chromosome changed to X And when it is grown

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How Things Would Be Different If Microsoft Headquarters Was In Alabama

Author Unknown Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders" Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty beer bottle. Occasionally you’d bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or "Git"instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel". Instead

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Three Engineers In A Car

Author Unknown There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and

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Can’t Fly if You’re Gay

Author Unknown An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat. Soon after that the airplane began to fill up.

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Schoolboys on the Bus

In this dream, I was traveling on a Greyhound-like passenger bus, and I was sitting in the very back. In the front of the bus there was a whole group of private school boys with scrubbed, cherubic faces and neat short haircuts. They were dressed in identical uniforms; black pants and pure white shirts and

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