Archives: 1997

Does Santa Exist? A Scientific Inquiry

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal, SPY magazine (January, 1997) — I am pleased to present a scientific inquiry into the existence of Santa Claus.

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Twas the Dieter’s Christmas

author unknown T’was the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down

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Literary Terms I Like

From Benet’s Reader’s Encyclopedia Accismus Irony involving insincere modesty Aesthetic distance A term that describes the ability to objectify experience in art and present it as independent from its maker. Argus-eyed Jealously watchful Beatrice Dante’s symbol of Spiritual inspiration Bell, book and candle Used in the ceremony of excommunication. Berserker Wild, warlike being, possesed of

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The Clothesline Dream

I had a bizarre dream in which I had strung a clothes line from the gables of the roof of the house I live in now, right outside the kitchen window. And of course, I had just done laundry and hung all of my very favorite clothes, when a really violent storm blew up, and

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Reoccurring Contact Lens Dreams

In high school I got my first pair of contact lenses, that you can also order here. That was pretty unusual at the time; people didn’t wear them as much as they do now, and they were incredibly expensive. They also didn’t have disposable lenses; you had to clean them and care for them and

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Reoccurring Dream: Mazes

Since I was young, I’ve had a reoccurring theme show up in my dreams: mazes. It’s usually a familiar building; in high school it was the library I worked in; in college it was the dorm, since then it’s been various apartment buildings and the places I worked. The building is familiar to me, but

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Quicksand Dream

The first of two recent dreams about death… In the dream, I went downstairs to the basement, which looking back now, I think was the basement on South East Fourth Street from my childhood. Growing in the center of the floor was a plant; a weed, I thought, like a tiny tree. I went over

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Dodgeball God Dream

It’s hard to remember exactly how this dream began, but I remember for some reason being on the top of a sign pole, out in the countryside. I was there with Hercules, him beiname of dodgeball with energy balls that could kill us. We were trapped, so we continued to do this for awhile, until

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The Military Dream

In this dream, I was in a high-rise apartment or office building on an upper floor. It was dark, and I was there with a bunch of other people, none of whom I recognized. We were part of some military group, and we had some assignment or mission to carry out. We were putting on

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HTML Mark-Up Dream

If you remember the movie Fantasia, or even better, the movie they showed in high school, Donald Duck in MathMagic Land, where Donald was being chased by anthropomorphic numbers, you have some idea what this dream was like. Basically, it was my job to place appropriate (?!) HTML mark-up tags on everything; i.e. the physical

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Embarrassing Elevator Stories

Ah, the elevator. Such a delightful way to interact with your fellow man, especially in a workplace environment. Such a great way to act strangely in other people’s personal space. Sixth Floor I work on the fifth floor of a six floor office building here in Indianapolis. I was going home at the end of

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Fun Stuff to Do On Usenet

by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu Post a message asking how to post messages. Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy. Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of "Geek Code", 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature. Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in followups.

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How to Handle Stress

Make a list of things to do that you’ve already done. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you. When someone says "have a nice day" tell them you have other plans. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail. Dance

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Fun Things to Ask Your Human Resources Representative

If you work for a decent-sized company, you’ve been forced to sit through a presentation by the Human Resources department reviewing your benefits. I guess they’re less liable if they can prove they’ve wasted an hour of your time reading from a company brochure. Here’s a list of questions to ask your HR representative during the presentation. Caution: for amusement only. Not liable for discontinued employment.

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Bart’s Chalkboard

The opening credits of “The Simpsons” shows Bart Simpson writing on the school chalk board the same sentence over and over again, (the ole "write it 100 times" punishment). Each episode however the sentence is different. Someone (not me, thank you) went to the trouble to tape the shows, watch and copy down many of the sentences that Bart writes on the chalkboard.

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The Beer Bill of Rights

Congress shall make no law disrespecting an establishment of beer, or prohibiting the free consumption thereof; or abridging the freedom of bar service, or of brewing; or the right of the people peacably to assemble, and to petition the bartender for a round of beers.

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Ode To The Malty Brew

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. –Dave Barry Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no

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New Government Warnings on Alcohol

As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warings on Alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects. This is also an increasing occurence in other countries as well. It has come to my attention that a few additional warning may be appropriate.

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Things Adults Learn from Kids

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite A 4 years-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong

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The Boss

Quote from a recent meeting: We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.

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Darwin Awards 1997

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

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Honest – That’s The Way It Happened…

Author Unknown A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone.

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Gone Fishin’

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They … for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver.

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Where Ya Goin’?’

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

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Life After Death

Author Unknown Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word,

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Careful When Playing Golf

Author Unknown Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but

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Mom’s Home Cooking

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.

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Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 7.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected drama processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

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The Dream Where Prince Died

In this dream, I found out that Prince had just died, and I was terribly upset, because I felt that we would be lost without his music. We (Me and who else? I don’t know) decided to go to his funeral. While there, I ran into someone who was explaining how he died; this gets

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