Dingell’s HOLIDAY Jingle for O’Reilly and House GOP

Christmas Tree
Christmas Tree

Washington, DC – Congressman John D. Dingell (MI-15) (original link, no longer active – http://www.house.gov/dingell/documents/press_releases/109th_Congress/12-14-05_2.htm) recited the following poem on the floor of the US House of Representatives concerning House Resolution 579, which expressed the sense of the House of Representatives that the symbols and traditions of Christmas should be protected. “Preserving Christmas” has been a frequent topic for conservative talk show hosts, including Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly:

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the House
No bills were passed ’bout which Fox News could grouse;
Tax cuts for the wealthy were passed with great cheer,
So vacations in St. Barts soon would be near;
Katrina kids were nestled all snug in motel beds,
While visions of school and home danced in their heads;
In Iraq our soldiers needed supplies and a plan,
Plus nuclear weapons were being built in Iran;
Gas prices shot up, consumer confidence fell;
Americans feared we were on a fast track to…well…
Wait— we need a distraction— something divisive and wily;
A fabrication straight from the mouth of O’Reilly
We can pretend that Christmas is under attack
Hold a vote to save it— then pat ourselves on the back;
Silent Night, First Noel, Away in the Manger
Wake up Congress, they’re in no danger!
This time of year we see Christmas every where we go,
From churches, to homes, to schools, and yes…even Costco;
What we have is an attempt to divide and destroy,
When this is the season to unite us with joy
At Christmas time we’re taught to unite,
We don’t need a made-up reason to fight
So on O’Reilly, on Hannity, on Coulter, and those right wing blogs;
You should just sit back, relax…have a few egg nogs!
‘Tis the holiday season: enjoy it a pinch
With all our real problems, do we honestly need another Grinch?
So to my friends and my colleagues I say with delight,
A merry Christmas to all,
and to Bill O’Reilly… Happy Holidays.

Continue ReadingDingell’s HOLIDAY Jingle for O’Reilly and House GOP

Weekly Grocery Lists for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, Summer 1962

WEEK ONE
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey
WEEK TWO
Beans
Ham
Coffee
Whiskey
WEEK THREE
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey
K-Y
WEEK FOUR
Beans
Pancetta
Coffee (espresso grind)
Whiskey
2 tubes K-Y
WEEK FIVE
Fresh fava beans
Jasmine rice
Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
Medallions of veal
Porcini mushrooms
1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
5-6 bottles good Chardonnay
1 large bottle Astroglide
WEEK SIX
Yukon Gold potatoes
Heavy whipping cream
Asparagus (very thin)
Eggs
Lemons
Gruyere cheese (well aged)
Walnuts
Arugula
Butter
Olive oil
Balsamic vinegar
6 yards white silk organdy
6 yards pale ivory taffeta
Case of Chardonnay
Large tin Crisco

Continue ReadingWeekly Grocery Lists for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, Summer 1962

Ten Reasons Why Halloween is Better than Sex

Author Unknown

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the morning after.

1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Continue ReadingTen Reasons Why Halloween is Better than Sex

A Halloween Story

A Halloween Story

Author Unknown

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a…….

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP… behind him.

 

 

 

 

 

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him …

 

 

 

 

 

faster…

 

 

 

 

 

faster…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP….

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP….

 

 

 

 

 

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

 

 

 

 

 

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping…

 

 

 

 

 

clappity-BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

clappity-BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

clappity-BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

clappity-BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

on the heels of the terrified man….

 

 

 

 

 

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. .

 

 

 

 

 

With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

 

 

 

 

 

The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything… his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin.

 

 

 

 

 

Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition…….

 

 

 

 

 

and………..

 

 

 

 

 

…………………….the coffin stops.

Continue ReadingA Halloween Story

Poker with Dick Cheney

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Politics

I read this classic blog post from The Poor Man last year when it was first posted, but it’s won some awards since then and I had a chance to re-read it. Check out the whole post, because it’s one of the funniest things you’ll ever read. Unfortunately, the page is screwed up a bit, but scroll down and you’ll see the whole thing.

Judith Miller: Dick Cheney has revealed a straight flush, confirming his pre-collection claims about beating two pair.
TE: Those cards are of different suits. It’s not a flush.
Mark Steyn: When will it end? Now liberal critics complain that Dick Cheney’s cards are not all the same suit. Naturally, these are the same liberals who are always whining about a lack of diversity in higher education. It seems like segregation is OK with these liberals, as long as it damages Republicans.
MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
A witness has come forward claiming that The Editors engage in racial profiling in blog-linking. Developing …
TE: Wait! It’s not even a straight! You’ve got a eight and ten of hearts, a six of clubs, and the seven and five of diamonds. You have a ten high. That’s nothing.

Continue ReadingPoker with Dick Cheney

New Job Interview Techniques

Submitted by Shailaja Seebaluck-Oolun

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they’re destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

Continue ReadingNew Job Interview Techniques

Neologisms and New Words Dictionary: A – L

Author Unknown

Neologisms are alternate meanings for common words – a few of those, plus some new words from old ones.

Accordionated (ah kor’ de on ay tid) adj.
Being able to drive and fold a road map at the same time.

Ala’ Python: Something outlandishly funny
example: Justin began singing the song normally but then he started making fun of it ala’ python.

Anacondom, n:
A large-sized, constrictive prophylactic.

Aquadextrous (ak wa deks’ trus) adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

Aqualibrium (ak wa lib’ re um) n.
The point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from: (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

Arachnoleptic fit, n:
The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Barbie-Dream: To describe perfection from the perspective of a barbie doll
example: Friend: "Are you still dating Mike?" You: "Don’t ask. I really thought he was my Barbie-Dream Boyfriend. But then I found out he was married."

Batmobiling:
Putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling."

Beelzebug, n:
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Body Nazis:
Hard core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.

Bozone, n:
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Burgacide (burg’ uh side) n.
When a hamburger can’t take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

Buzzacks (buz’ acks) n.
People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

Carperpetuation (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it backdown to give the vacuum one more chance.

Cashtration, n:
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Caterpallor, n:
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

Coldest: A person (or song) that is absolutely the coolest in the world
example: Dude that song was the coldest!

Coolerator: Device that uses compressed refrigerant gasses and general properties of thermodynamics to keep perishables at a lower temperature. Also known as a refrigerator.
example: Stick that chocolate cake in the coolerator.

Create A Low-Pressure Area: To be low in quality
example: "Was the concert any good?" "Nah, that band really creates a low-pressure area."

Crunchy: The feeling you get when you do or say something really stupid
example: When I tripped on my shoelace in the mall, I felt really crunchy.

Dap: white people
example: Yo dap, wassup?

D&M: A deep and meaningful conversation
example: "Go away! I’m having a D&M with Heidi."

Decaflon, n:
The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Digest: Put up with a person you don’t like
example: I’m trying very hard to digest Melanie, but she drives me up the wall.

Dimp (dimp) n.
A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

Disconfect (dis kon fekt’) v.
To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.

Disinvited
meaning you were invited, but now you are not. Not to be confused with uninvited (never invited at all).

Dopelar effect, n:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

Dorito Syndrome:
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."

Ecnalubma (ek na lub’ ma) n.
A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror.

Eiffelites (eye’ ful eyetz) n.
Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.

Elbonics (el bon’ iks) n.
The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Elecelleration (el a sel er ay’ shun) n.
The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

Elvis Year:
The peak year of something’s popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur’s Elvis year was 1993."

Extraterrestaurant, n:
An eating place where you feel you’ve been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.

Faunacated, adj
How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering, noun, which has made a meal of many species.

Floopy: Dizzy, funny, not quite right
example: The pain killers made me feel quite floopy.

Flump: The act of sitting down in a casual manner
example: Why don’t you guys flump down on the couch.

Foreploy, n:
Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.

Frust (frust) n.
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until s/he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Generica:
fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn’t remember what city it was"

Go Salad: To become confused
example: We were rapping about regular stuff and then the guy went all salad on me.

Going Global: To gain a lot of weight
example: After I ate 300 bean burritos in two days, my friends said I had gone global.

Going Postal:
Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages.

Good Day: A greeting or term of surprise
example: To a friend: "Good day!"

Good Gravy!: A simple exclamation
example: Good Gravy! What did you do that for?

Grantartica, n:
The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.

Hhemaglobe, n:
The bloody state of the world.

How Much?:
A request for more details.
example: Person 1: "Did you see Johnny?"
Person 2: "Johnny? Johnny how much?"
Person 1: "Johnny Johnson!"

Intaxication, n:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Irritainment:
Annoying but you can’t stop watching; e.g. the O.J. trial.

Isk Isk: An expression meaning GO AWAY. A way of ignoring someone.
example: Jess: "Hey Christine…"
Christine: "Isk isk" while waving him off with her hands.

Kinstirpation, n:
A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

Join WA (whiner’s anonymous): Go somewhere else to whine.
example: Friend: "My life is miserable." You: "Why don’t you join WA or something."

Lactomangulation (lak to man gyu lay’ shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.

Lie: 1. Exclamation of a positive nature. 2. Exclamation of a negative nature.
example: 1. That is lie! (positive). 2. That’s soooo lie! (negative).

Like a doctor: Pulling something off with ease or with a great deal of panache.
example: He plays guitar like a doctor.

Lullabuoy, n:
An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Continue ReadingNeologisms and New Words Dictionary: A – L

Bush Dimbulbs

How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There’s nothing wrong with that light bulb. There is no need to change anything. We made the right decision and nothing has happened to change our minds. People who criticize this light bulb now, just because it doesn’t work anymore, supported us when we first screwed it in, and when these flip-floppers insist on saying that it is burned out, they are merely giving aid and encouragement to the Forces of Darkness.

Continue ReadingBush Dimbulbs

Leprechauns

Author Unknown

St. Patrick's DayA tall man is in the mens room using the facilities. A short guy, about knee high, comes in and pulls up a stool, and starts taking a pee too. The tall guy keeps looking over his shoulder. The little guy says, "What the hell are you looking at?" and the tall guy replies, "Well, for you being such a short little guy, you have an awfully big pecker on you!"

"Well," says the short guy, "Of course I do. I am a leprechaun, and I can have anything I wish for!"

"A leprechaun, you say? Does that mean you can give me any thing I wish for?!" asks the tall man.

"Well, yes, but I am a gay leprechaun, so I’ll want a favor in return," says the short guy.

After thinking, the tall guy says, "Alright then. I want a million dollars, a brand new mansion, and 2 brand new Porsches!"

"Fine!" says the short guy, "its all yours! But first I want you to pull your pants down, bend over and grab your ankles!"

So, the guy does it, and the short guy climbs back up on the stool, and really gives it to him! The guy is just moaning. The short guy says, "So tell me, What is your name?" The tall guy moans, and stomping his feet, he says, "My name is Bruce….."

"Bruce? How old are you?" asks the short guy.

Stomping his feet even harder, he moans, "I’m 32!"

The short guy says, "Bruce? You’re 32 and you still believe in Leprechauns?!"

Continue ReadingLeprechauns

What Is An Irishman?

Author Unknown

An Irishman is a man who…

May not believe there is a God,
but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope.

Won’t eat meat on Friday,
but will drink Jameson for breakfast.

Has great respect for the truth,
he uses in emergencies.

Sees things not as they are
but the way they never will be.

Cries at sad movies,
but cheers in battle.

Hates the English,
but reserves his cruelty for countryman.

Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland.

Believes in civil rights,
but not in his neighborhood.

Believes to forgive is divine,
therefore doesn’t exercise it himself.

Loves religion for its own sake,
but also because it makes it so inconvenient for his neighbors.

Scorns money,
but worships those who have it.

Considers any Irishman who
achieves success to be a traitor.

Continue ReadingWhat Is An Irishman?