humor

Dick Cheney Shoots Lady Liberty

Passed along to me by my friend Ian..

(Not Really) CNN — Lady Liberty, a 225-year-old Freedom Fighter, was in stable condition, a hospital spokeswoman said.
Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion during a weekend Traitor hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets.
Lady Liberty, a millionaire Freedom Fighter from America, was in stable condition in the intensive care unit of a Corpus Christi hospital Sunday, said Yvonne Wheeler, spokeswoman for the Christus Spohn Health System.

Ian made the page at: http://igotshotbydickcheney.com/
Get peppered by Dick yourself!

Continue ReadingDick Cheney Shoots Lady Liberty

I heart Fafblog

Fafblog is smart and cute. I want to be BFF with Fafblog.

Q. Can the president spy on Americans without a warrant?
A. The president has to spy on Americans without a warrant! We’re at war, and the president’s gotta defend America, and he’s not gonna wait for a permission slip from a judge or a senator or America to do it!
Q. That’s just the kinda tough, no-nonsense thinking I like in a de facto dictator! Now some crazy people say the president broke some silly old laws like FISA and the National Security Act and the Fourth Amendment. Are these crazy people crazy?
A. They sure are! Maybe those laws worked back in 1978 back when Leonid Brezhnev was snortin coke with Ayatollah Khomeini and groovin to the hits of the Bee Gees, but in today’s dark and dangerous times they just aren’t enough.
Q. Things sure have changed since the innocent days of mutually assured destruction! But is it legal for the president to ignore the law?
A. Maybe not according to plain ol stupid ol regular law, but we’re at war! You don’t go to war with regular laws, which are made outta red tape and bureaucracy and Neville Chamberlain. You go to war with great big strapping War Laws made outta tanks and cold hard steel and the American Fightin Man and WAR, KABOOOOOOM!
Q. How does a War Bill become a War Law?
A. It all begins with the president, who submits a bill to the president. If a majority of both the president and the president approve the bill, then it passes on to the president, who may veto it or sign it into law. And even then the president can override himself with a two-thirds vote.
Q. See it’s the checks and balances that make all the difference in our democratic system.
A. It’s true.
Q. Can the president spy on me without a warrant?
A. The president would never, ever spy on you, unless you’re talking to a terrorist.
Q. That sounds reasonable!

Continue ReadingI heart Fafblog

Nature’s Harmonious Money Cycle

Fafblog explains how trickle-down economics work for you:

That’s right! You’re the tiny microscopic planktony thing about to get eaten by the octopus! You’re right next to the leprechaun with the magical pot of pixie gold who’s gonna pay down the national debt.
So if you’re feelin cold, sick and hungry this winter while Larry Ellison buys an extra boat, don’t feel sad! We’re all part of Nature’s Money Cycle, and someday some a that boat’s gonna trickle down to you! Maybe a piece of the bowsprit, after Larry throws it out to buy a better boat. I hear that’s delicious in a lemon marinade.

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How Santa Knows IF you’ve Been Good

Santa Bag

(Supposedly written for and sung at a U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Legal Counsel, Christmas party during the Carter Administration.) –Eugene Volokh, UCLA Law

Sung to the tune of…

"Santa Claus is Coming to Town"

You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I’m telling you why,
Santa Claus is tapping,
Your phone.

He’s buggin your room,
He’s reading your mail,
He’s keeping a file
And runnin a tail
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone

He hears you in the bedroom
Surveills you out of doors
And if that doesn’t get the goods
Then he’ll use provocateurs.

So you mustn’t assume
That you are secure
On Christmas Eve
He’ll kick in your door
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone

Continue ReadingHow Santa Knows IF you’ve Been Good

A Christmas Tradition is Born

Author Unknown

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip … but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn’t it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn’t it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Continue ReadingA Christmas Tradition is Born

ACLU Announces Lawsuit against Santa Claus

by David Bibb

CHICAGO – The American CivilLiberties Union announced today that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that, "Mr. Claus has been violating children’s right to privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database. The information is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus organization to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Clause has violated the children’s rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the free expression of beliefs."

Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which reads, in part:

You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I’m telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you’re awake,
He knows when you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness’ sake.

Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, was obtained from one of workers in the distribution department of Mr. Claus’ organization, "…clearly shows a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of the information. What would be the result of such a database being made available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?"

Lawyers at the Justice also confirmed today that they were investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside the Justice Department stated that, "We believe a large number of parent, ministers and teachers are involved in this business and we expect several of them will testify for the State in return for a lighter sentence."

In addition, the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the Department and the FBI on possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, "our records do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else paying any import duties or taxes on any items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all of the States of the Union we believe he should have to pay state and local taxes on all of the goods he delivers."

Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd. Mr. Claus is a well known and highly respected figure. His supporters are from around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no way, be taken as a form of "mind control" or a violation of the civil rights of children."

The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a resident of the United States or any country which the United States currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at his north pole estate.

In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find the charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department will discover they have no basis."

Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending charges might have on Mr. Claus’ Christmas travels this year.

Continue ReadingACLU Announces Lawsuit against Santa Claus

Christmas Fruitcake Recipe

Christmas Fruitcake

Author Unknown

You’ll need the following:

  • 1 C water
  • 1 C sugar
  • 4 large eggs
  • 2 C dried fruit
  • 1 tsp. baking soda
  • 1 tsp. salt
  • 1 C brown sugar
  • lemon juice
  • nuts
  • 1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

(Sample the whiskey to check for quality).

Take a large bowl.

Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality. Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 tsp sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still OK – Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer.

Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin 350 degrees.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed. Who the hell likes druitcake anyway?

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Cool bumperstickers and magnets

I clicked through an ad from my site to the Pro-Democrat Progressive Anti-Right Wing Products and had a fun time looking around, so I thought I’d give them an extra plug.
I loved their flag bedecked ribbon magnet that says “Just pretend it’s all okay” and the “F the President” sticker designed like the “W” sticker that everyone has on their cars. Unfortunately, my whole car is taken up already with stickers and magnets, and I already look like a fanatic.

Continue ReadingCool bumperstickers and magnets