Stupid Spam

Here’s some great spam of the sort I get all the time:

Subject: Hello Steph.
Date: Thu, 10 May 2001 01:23:07 -0400 (EDT)
From: ETM
Dear Steph,
My name is John Barister and I work for a company called Electronic Traffic Management. Our Company has done a large amount of market research that has brought back some very interesting results.

Immediately with the first sentence I are skeptible (a new word, meaning skeptical in a “funny voice” way, along with the noun-verb disagreement, which, when done intentionally is hi-larous) about this. Market research on what? My web site? The solar system? Green Eggs and Ham? How interesting are these results? [fake voice]Veeeery iiinteresting.[/fake voice] I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to find out more about these results of research of the marketing variety on an undisclosed subject.
We suspect that you’re not getting the return on investment you were hoping for with your website. If you would like, I would be happy to give you some tools that will start to bring in larger returns.
Now that’s a non sequitur for you. Are these supposed to be the aforementioned “results” of the marketing variety? Your marketing research has told you that you suspect I’m not getting a [bullshit bingo] return on my investment[/bullshit bingo]? Your research ain’t vera good then, cause this is my personal site and my return on investment is sky high considering that I don’t pay beans for this site and I get to just spout off on any old topic without caring what anyone else thinks.
But all that notwithstanding, you were mentioning giving me tools? I like tools. What kind are they? Car tools or house tools? Or maybe they’re my new favorite kind; lawn care tools. What ever; you said you’d “give” me these tools, not “sell” me these tools. Sound’s like your return on investment is gonna take a beating if you go around just giving tools to people for no good reason except you did some hazy sort of marketing research.
You can go to our website and download the free video on how to get more business from your online investment. If you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you will keep getting what you’ve been getting! Just visit the link below and follow the instructions:
Apparently, I need to keep doing EXACTLY what I’ve been doing, because I have an incredibly satisfying cheapo personal website which causes people to go around giving me tools (of an undisclosed nature) and free videos which unfortunately sound rather boring.
Now, this URL they sent bothers me. Because if these guys are the big shots they claim they are (okay, they never claimed to be, but they are throwing around words like “marketing research” and “return on investment” like there’s no tomorrow, which sounds like a “We’re all of the big-head variety right over here, huh!” type of speech.) their URL would be:
Because then marketing wouldn’t be a single *page* on their site, but a whole *section* of which the index page is first. Sort of like on my site, where I have
And there are literally like, hundreds, of jokes in the category of /humor/, see whut I mean? If these guys don’t have more than one page of things to say about marketing, when you know, they’re doing all this vast marketing research (apparently on my site, which is damn kind of them to do without even being asked and all) they should have like, a giant database worths of stuff to say about the marketing.
So basically, I think these guys are big fat liars. Which make me really suspicious of the following:
To be removed from our mailing list, simply send an email with the word “remove” in the subject line. Your email address will be permanently removed, and you will not receive any further mailings from us. Please note that any attempts to abuse the removal process will result our inability to handle remove requests.
Because the secret new internet meaning of the word “remove” is “sign me up for a bunch more spam as I confirm this e-mail address is a valid one.” I’ll think, instead of “removing” myself from their mailing list, I’ll just make fun of it on my website.

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