You Might Be A Goth If …

You pay 6 bucks for cigarettes that match your outfit

You like to play dead in public

You wake up still drunk at 3 in the afternoon with anonymous black lipstick on your face

The shade of powder you wear is called "Sheet Of Paper"

The Count was your favorite Sesame Street character as a child

You wear long, velvet coats in the middle of summer

You go to Denny’s at 5 in the morning and think, "These are my people"

You think dead flowers are prettier than live ones

You refer to your age in mortal years

You buy $15 fishnets and rip them on purpose

Your combat boots cost more than it takes to feed a third world child for two years

You’ve willingly undergone cosmetic dental surgery

You own 16 or more Cleopatra c.d.’s

You own even 1 Projekt c.d.

You can’t decide whether Morticia Addams or Lily Munster is prettier, then decide Wednesday blows them both away

You were disappointed to find out that "American Gothic" is a portrait of two farmers

You think of the hearse as a "family car"

You own a glow-in-the-dark rosary that alternates between your neck and the rearview mirror in your car

You fashion your eyeliner after a culture that’s been dead over 2000 years

You have seen "Nightmare before Christmas" more than seven times

Your purse is large, square and metal

You argue on whether Poppy Z. Brite or Anne Rice has the more realistic view on vampires

You and your friends take lengthy drives to visit non-local graveyards

You spell Vampire either Vampyre or Vamphyre

Your boyfriend complains that his ribs just don’t stick out the way they used to

Your girlfriend complains that you look better in her black, velvet skirt than she does

You refer to others as "The Normals"

You are happy when no one has ever heard of your favorite band

Christians accost you with pamphlets on the street frequently

You accost Christians with pamphlets on the street

You and your boyfriend fight over who gets to wear the fangs

This list made you depressed

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5 comments on “You Might Be A Goth If …
  1. Anonymous says:

    I don’t consider myself goth, but I am indeed guilty of a lot of these. Especially the two pamphlet ones.

  2. Unknown says:

    I am personally a goth, and find this entire list offensive. Not to mention I’m a Christian. Being goth is simply appreciate the darker things in life. The above list is for MALL goths.

  3. WarriorAngel says:

    you need to lighten up, as it seems you adopted the parts of goth-dom and christian-dom that are devoid of a sense of humor. this list is hilarious… and yes, i do quantify myself as goth, though not so goth that i shit cobwebs. perhaps by your standards that makes me not goth at all. perhaps i should just bow to your obvious gothy superiority. ok, i can’t even type that with a straight face…

  4. Sarah says:

    These are funny. I relate to some, but used to relate to about 90% of them. Hahaha. That’s awesome!
    I don’t consider myself goth. I used to.

  5. The Raven says:

    This was sooo funny! i have a canvas duster that i wear all the time. even in the heat of Southern July.

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