Fun Things to Ask Your Human Resources Representative

If you work for a decent-sized company, you’ve been forced to sit through a presentation by the Human Resources department reviewing your benefits. I guess they’re less liable if they can prove they’ve wasted an hour of your time reading from a company brochure. Here’s a list of questions to ask your HR representative during the presentation. Caution: for amusement only. Not liable for discontinued employment. Please view the site disclaimer.

Will my health plan provide clean needles for my heroin habit?

If I die, do I have to show up at work to claim my life insurance money or will it be mailed to me?

A man injures his lower extremities with a cheese grater that has the company logo on it. Should he call an ambulance or the firm’s legal department first?

OK so I rent a car and contract an STD from a lady of the night — who’s health insurance pays for my treatment — Alamo’s, my own, or Candy’s pimp’s?

If I contract Ebola, can I work remotely?

If I feel emotionally scarred from listening to Puff Daddy records can I call the Employee Assistance Hotline? Can I reach you at that 1-800 number after hours?

What does 401K stand for?

If I run a 4 K 100 times in a year, will I qualify for a 401 K?

What if I eat 401 boxes of "Special K"?

(Stated loudly, whilst shaking head vigorously) Hmmmm… I don’t like the sound of "being vested". Noooo sir-eee.

If I am adopted, is it me or my host family that gets the free paid vacation under the Family Medical Leave Act? If it’s me then I’d like to pick Hawaii, please.

If I am accidentally disabled at the dentist’s office whilst on paid personal sick leave on a religious holiday, what form do I need to fill out?

Metallica are rock gods. (insert air guitar gesture here) Can I take a religious holiday when they’re in town next Thursday?

Who is this "Certain Criterion" that I need to meet? Is she hot?

Will my pet hamster "Raggot" qualify as a dependant?

How about the voices in my head?

How about the little man who lives in my stomach?

"Well, THESE might qualify." (reach into trousers)

Can a floating holiday be attributed to acid? What if I live on a house boat or rent "House Boat" the movie with Sophia Loren and Jimmy Stewart — can that be considered a floating holiday?

Do I have to work during the Apocalypse or Armageddon?

If I am unproductive because I have been reproductive, can I be compensated for the work I would have performed?

Can I get a personal paid absence for being a stunt man in "Mr. Holland’s Opus"?

If I am dismembered in a forest and no one is there to see or hear it, will I qualify for coverage?

Does the break up of Menudo qualify as a life changing event? How about Selena’s death?

Is "sleepy" considered a long or short-term disability?<

Can I put anything besides money into my 401K? Like German bearer bonds, gold bullion, or Krugerrands for example?

Can I use sick leave if I am sick of work? Or sick of my boss? Actually, I feel a little sick right now. May I be excused?

Do genital enlargement surgeries get coverage? (act disappointed upon hearing answer) Could you please explain why not?! (raise voice)

Is there any way to realize my resource allocation management potential whilst leveraging my leadership achievement matrix?

What happens if my Qualifying Domestic Partner has a Qualifying Life Event?

What if my Qualifying Domestic Partner (QDP) gives me a Short Term Disability (STD)?

How do I increase the size of my paycheck? Can I do this online?

And finally…

"Yes, uh, if I quit the firm, do I still get paid? Why not?"

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