Valentines Day Quotes

"I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid."
— Dorothy Parker

"Women are cursed, and men are the proof."
— Rosanne Barr

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base."
— Dave Barry

"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there’s never any gum under any of them."
— Emo Philips

SURE-FIRE SINGLES AD:
Famous Writer needs woman to organize his life and spend his money. Loves to turn off Sunday football and go to the Botanical Gardens with that special someone. Will obtain plastic surgery if necessary.
— Joe Bob Briggs

"Women with pasts interest men… they hope history will repeat itself."
— Mae West

I need my space"There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that."
— Steve Martin

"I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it."
— Gary Shandling

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to."
— Rita Rudner

Warning signs that lover is bored:
1. Passionless kisses
2. Frequent sighing
3. Moved, left no forwarding address
— Matt Groening

"I said to my girl, ‘Was it good for you too?’ And she said, ‘I don’t think this was good for anybody."
— Gary Shandling

"I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up."
— Barbara Bush

"The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead."
— Ann Landers

"Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house."
— Lewis Grizzard

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"Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day."
— Mickey Rooney

"Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, ‘What’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?"
— Rodney Dangerfield

"In expressing love we belong among the undeveloped countries."
— Saul Bellow

"Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."
— Sigmund Freud

"I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven’t had time for tobacco since."
— Arturo Toscanini

Posted in Favorite Quotes, Funny Lists, One-Liners Tagged with: , , , , , , ,

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