Time-Honored Truths and Universal Laws

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station…

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking

A day without sunshine is like, night.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

A little inaccuracy saves a lot of explanation.

A penny saved is worthless.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Very Good Doctor.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Given a 50-50 chance, you will be wrong 90% of the time.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

How terrible a movie is, is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: "meetings."

If you think there is good in everybody, then you haven’t met everybody.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

No one is listening until you make a mistake

Nobody is normal.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One-seventh of our life is spent on Monday.

People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humour are telling you that they have no sense of humour.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Remember that half the people you know are below average.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Success always occurs in private and failure in public

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

The careful application of terror can also be a form of communication.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot..

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles

What a nice night for an evening.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories…

You can observe a lot by just watching.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive

You should not confuse your career with your life.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason we observe Daylight Saving Time.

Your friends love you anyway.

The one thing that unites all humans, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above average drivers.

At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: "The universe is even bigger than they thought!" "There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!" " Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong."

The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: If the advertisement says "This is not your father’s Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father. If Coke and Pepsi spend billions to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability. If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer’s "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes. If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world’s biggest dipshit. And so on. On those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the product – as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign, it’s because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention," I would quit my job to work for his campaign.

There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few micro-organisms, the micro-organisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

When God decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will not use, as his messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Posted in Funny Lists, One-Liners Tagged with: , , , , , , ,
One comment on “Time-Honored Truths and Universal Laws
  1. bill thomsen says:

    just happened to stumble accross this while attempting to find the most significant events which may have happened on March 1st. think i might have found it right here. at least for a bit of my day in a life.

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