Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
People who drink light "beer" don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
–Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
–Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
–by Jack Handy
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
They who drink beer will think beer.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
— Michelle Mastrolacasa
Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine.
I drink to make other people interesting.
–George Jean Nathan
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!
— Brian O’Rourke
He was a wise man who invented beer.