New Government Warnings on Alcohol

As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warnings on Alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects. This is also an increasing occurrence in other countries as well. It has come to my attention that a few extra warning may be appropriate.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a "2" is a "10."

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy, named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

AND Instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant — the new guidelines should read…

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.

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