Hey, here are the worst jokes in the world for you. Heather likes them, but there’s no accounting for taste. I’m putting on the good and the bad, so don’t complain to me about it. These jokes came from the Laffy Taffy Candy; we don’t vouch for their quality because we didn’t make them up.
What happens when you cross a singer and a rocking chair? — you rock to the beat.
How do you mend a broken jack o’ lantern? — with a pumpkin patch.
what do you call a lease of false teeth? — a dental rental
Where did the kittens go on the class trip — to the meow-seum.
What goes tick-tock, woof-woof? — a watchdog
What did the art dealer say when a man asked what a picture was supposed to be? — a reflection of you.
what did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? — shore
What falls down but never gets hurt? — snow
What kind of brush do you use to comb a bee’s hair? — a honey comb
How do you get a peanut to laugh? — you crack it up
Who greets you at a haunted house? — a host ghost
Why did the farmer bury all his money? — to make his soil rich
Where can you find an ocean without water? — on a map
What do you call a horse that likes arts & crafts? — a hobby horse
Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles
What do you call an avid gardener? — herb
If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from? — a poul-tree
What do you get when you cross a grape with a lion? — a grape nobody picks on
What did the tree say to the mountain? — stop peaking at me!
What are sailors’ favorite fruits? — naval oranges
Where does a penguin keep his money? — in a snow bank
What did the boy chip say to the girl chip (crisp for the Brits)? — Let’s dance and I’ll dip you.
Why do bees have sticky hair? — they use honeycombs
Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop? — he wanted to get the scoop
Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk? — she broke her angle
What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips? — a chipmonk
What kind of trees sew? — pine trees, they always have needles around
What did the plate say to the other plate? — lunch is on me.
What did the man say when the picture fell on his head? — I’ve been framed!
Did you hear about the mummies who went to the theater? — They gave the actors stage fright
How do you turn soup into gold? — add 24 carrots (karats)
What do you do if a rhino charges you? — Give him your credit card.
Why did they bury the battery? — Because it was dead.
What do sneezes wear on their feet? — ahh-shoes
What do wolves say when they are introduced? — howl do you do?
What does a car run on? — wheels
What did the sink say to the water faucet? — you’re a real drip
where do pigs park their cars? — in a porking lot
Why did the banana leave the cinema? — the film didn’t appeal to him.
Why did the little cookie (biscuit) cry? — because his mother was a wafer so long.
What do you call a hot dog in a bun? — an in betweenie weenie.
Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? — He found a leek there.
How do you make a witch itch? — take away her W
What do you call two guys fighting over a prostitute? — tug of whore
*ok, so that was mine. Just threw it in to see if you were paying attention*
What do you call a crab who plays baseball? — a pinch-hitter
What is the clumsiest bee? — a bumbling bee
What kind of bean can’t grow? — a jelly bean
Whats green and fluffy and comes from mars? — a martian mellow
How does a man on the moon get his hair cut? — eclipse it
What do you do when you have no rubber bands? — find a plastic orchestra
– — — — and some old favorites — — — — — -
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? — time to get a new fence.
What is green, red, and runs 100 mph? — a frog in a blender
What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? — a dead school bus
Why did the man throw his margarine? — he wanted to see the butter fly
What did the finger say to the thumb? — I’m in glove with you (heather’s favorite)
What’s brown and sticky? — a stick!
What’s red and not there? — no tomatoes
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a penguin? — a very cross penguin
How do billboards talk? — Sign language!
What kind of chain is edible? — A food chain!
What did the grass see say to the ball field? — I want to root for you.
How do you shoot a killer bee? — With a bee-bee gun.
Why did the bowling pins stop working? — Because they went on Strike.
Why do fish swim in schools? — Because they can’t walk in schools.
What is a buckaneer? — Expensive corn!
How do you get an alien baby to sleep? — You rocket!
What is a parasite? — Something you see in Paris.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? — To get to the other slide!
How do you get the water into watermelon? — Plant it in the spring!
Why was the boy covered in gift wrap? — His mom told him to “Live in the present!”