On an Electrician’s truck – "Let us remove your shorts"
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop – "Best place in town to take a leak"
In a Non-smoking area – "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action"
On Maternity Room door – "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door – "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist’s Office – "If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place."
On a Scientist’s door – "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist’s window – "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist’s window – "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher’s window – "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher’s window – "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot – "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence – "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership – "The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop – "No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel – "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop – "May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium – "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room – "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room – "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher’s door – "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company – "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop – "Dye now!"
On the side of a Garbage Truck – "We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got."
On the door of a Computer Store – "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window – "Don’t stand there and be hungry – come in and get fed up!"
Inside a Bowling Alley: – "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria – "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
On the door of a Music Library – "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home – "Drive carefully, we’ll wait."
In a Counselor’s office – "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
On a ski lift in Taos, NM – No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.
Official sign near door – Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby – Window frightened.
Guys – No shirt, No service. Girls – No shirt, No charge.
Road sign seen on Cyprus (translation of the Greek) – Caution: Road Slippery from Grape juice.
A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race – Let’s see who can go downhill the fastest.
Sign in King’s Canyon in California – Slow Parking Ahead.
MORE OF AN AD THAN A SIGN, but… A billboard seen next to the highway, traveling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads – Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!
Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago –
– – – – > Restrooms – – – – >
Please wait for hostess to seat you.
Sign in front of church in Montpelier, VT – Bingo Friday night at 8:00 pm – Quickies Thursday at 7:30 pm.
Seen in a health food store – Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot.
Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense.
A little hole in the wall restaurant – Women are not served here… You have to bring your own.
Sign in a Laundromat – Please remove all of your clothes when the light goes out.
Sign outside a secondhand shop – We exchange anything! Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain!
Sign outside a travel agency – Why Don’t You Just Go Away!
Sign in a London department store – Bargain Basement Upstairs
On same building (Morehead City N.C.) – Cox’s Family Restaurant – Pet store
On the marquis for the Crystal Coast Civic Center (Morehead City N.C.) – H.W. Brown Gun Show, Martin Luther King Festival
Road sign North of Saint Helena, CA – Blind Drive on Right.
Santa Fe gas station – We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
Baltimore estate – Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. –Sisters of Mercy
New Mexico dry cleaners – 38 years on the same spot.
Florida maternity ward – No children allowed.
Loan company office – Ask about our plans for owning your home.
New York convalescent home – For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
Shop in Maine – Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
At a number of military bases – Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
Kentucky appliance store – Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
Funeral parlor – Ask about our layaway plan.
Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store – 15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!
Shopping mall marquee – Archery Tournament — Ears pierced.
Outside a country shop – We buy junk and sell antiques.
Maine restaurant – Open 7 days a week and weekends.
New England church – Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
Public school grounds – No trespassing without permission.
Tennessee highway – When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
New Hampshire car wash – If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.
On a Barry Jolly Plumbing Van, Cincinnati area – A flush beats a full house!
On a sign at a little restaurant – Eat here or we’ll both starve
A urologist’s license plate – "NOPCME" (no p c me)
Ohio Road Sign – Prosperity 30 mi -> <- Clinton 70 mi
In a gas station several years ago: – Our Credit Advisor is Mrs. Helen Waite. If you want credit from us, go to Helen Waite.
Advertisement for a radiator repair shop – Best place in town to take a leak
In the key west internationl airport’s souvenier store – unattended children will be sold into slavery
In the bathroom of a mom and pop store – We aim to please, so, please, you aim too.
Sign on a retail store door in Stevens Point, WI – PUSH, if it doesn’t open, PULL, if it still doesn’t open, WE ARE CLOSED.