Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey

A funny thing to do is, if you’re out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you’re going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who’s going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That’s why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there’s the monster, sound asleep.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That’s dynamite, baby."

A man doesn’t automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.

A quiz: If I am my brother’s brother, who am I? (Answer: me.)

After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I’m going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, "Hey, old buddy, how’s it going?"

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus’s-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won’t bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable – until I realized it wasn’t a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke – just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How’s my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it’s okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren’t you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you’d say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn’t even pay his bill.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home his face might burn up.

Can’t the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they’ve caused?

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable. Then just walk up to them and go, "Hey, have you seen Fred?" And they’ll say, "Fred who?" And you say, "Fred of snakes?" Then cover your ears, because big laughs are coming.

Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians after all, but dirty clothes hampers.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let’s say you’re an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he’s not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.

Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.

Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form "spokes." Happiness is when he stops.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I’ll be waiting for you in heaven—with a gun."

Here’s a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you com out you’re all covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)

Here’s a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you’re going to fall in.

Here’s a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don’t know anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn’t have that dangerous beak.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.

I bet a fun thing would be to go back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they’d probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would have a good laugh.

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you’re in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!

I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him later."

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!

I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don’t forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they’d get mad and eat the snowman.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he’d spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he’d yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.

I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

I don’t pretend to have all the answers. I don’t pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?

I don’t think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.

I don’t think I’m alone when I say I’d like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

I don’t think I’m ever more "aware" than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer.

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn’t. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people. It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?

I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.

I remember one day I was at Grandpa’s farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don’t we go out to the horse pasture and I’ll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don’t have to tell me," I said. "I’m off the team, aren’t I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you’re wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that’s when I felt the handcuffs go on.

I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He’d get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn’t have the right answers, mister, you’d be peeling potatoes or chainging the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn’t in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let’s climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn’t, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn’t say it was an interesting story.

I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can’t seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He see two parrots below and starts to attack, but it’s his parents. Then, some more pornography.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

I think a good movie would be about a guy who’s a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.

I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn’t say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there’s a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It’s just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don’t know why we should do this, but my God, we’ve got to try something!

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he’s throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I’ll tell you why: Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard.

I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I think there probably should be a rule that if you’re talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it’s understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president.

I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground, and live there. But don’t ever call us "ants," because we hate that.

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I’d save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I’d go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I’d say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He’d say, "Your pick is gold," and I’d say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns—regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I’d say, "Regular time?" And they’d say, "Yeah." And I’d say, "Sorry, all I have is rogue time." It’d be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I’d just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

I wish there was a disease where you’re afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long, personal talk. After that, I’m not sure, but maybe you could throw water in his face or something.

I wouldn’t be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn’t a person, because it would be too small. But there’s a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy—something like that.

I’d like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

I’d like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he’s flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that’s a documentary!

I’d like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

I’d rather be rich than stupid.

I’m not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I’m doing while they’re aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn’t our real civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our real civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with a new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they’re waving good-bye.

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that’s all I have to say.

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting!

If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it’s some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it easy.

If I could be a bird, I think I’d be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.

If I could come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone’s lip. Even if they smash you, ick , you’re all over their lip.

If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don’t think I’d call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp’s gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that would be.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it’s a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl ? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork" and point to another father.

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I’d glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought WE won!"

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)?

If someone told me it wasn’t "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I’d just have to look him square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU TELL ME what’s `fashionable’." But he won’t. And you know why? Because you can’t ask someone what’s fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that. You have to be friendly and say, "By the way, what’s fashionable?"

If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed off the stage. They’re just not ready.

If there’s ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of "bag."

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I’m a coward.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you.

If you ever discover that what you’re seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go, because, man, they’re gone.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

If you ever feel like you’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn’t that better?

If you ever go temporarily insane, don’t shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you’d really be surprised.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you’re drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we BUILD to that.

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don’t think it necessarily means you’re a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.

If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don’t think you could cover fuses in just one class. It’s just too rich a subject.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.

If you see an animal and you can’t tell if it’s a skunk or a cat, here’s a good saying to help: "Black-and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella."

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that’s another weakness.

If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we’re not going to hurt it.

If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don’t think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you’re a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith.

If you’re a boxing referee, it’s probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors.

If you’re a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don’t think it’s a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that’s just too much."

If you’re a cowboy, and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

If you’re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you’re a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

If you’re an archeologist, I bet it’s real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it’s not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.

If you’re ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he’s dragging the rattrap because it didn’t quite kill him, just tell the people he’s your pet and that’s a trick you taught him.

If you’re ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don’t stop and start thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because that’s probably the first sign of jungle madness.

If you’re in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy’s glove touch your lips, because you don’t know where that glove has been.

If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they’re thinking, you can throw a real grenade.

If you’re robbing a bank and you’re pants fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

If you’re travelling in a time machine, and you’re eating corn on the cob, I don’t think it’s going to affect things one way or the other. But here’s the point I’m trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn’t it.

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it’s okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you’re serious about adopting the vulture.

If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don’t let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he’ll thank you.

In weightlifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It’s cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too!

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window.

Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.

Instead of putting a quarter under a kid’s pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn’t going to save out national forests.

Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.

Isn’t it funny how we’ll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it’s not the moon but a streetlight? Also what’s funny is how we do this every night.

Isn’t it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth.

It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. "What? What? " I would yell back, but he never did speak English.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

It’s easy to sit and scoff at an old man’s folly. But also, check out his Adam’s apple.

It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

It’s interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.

It’s not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.

It’s probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you’re talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.

It’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings. But what they don’t tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about" to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.

Just because swans mate for life, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. First of all, if you’re a swan, you’re probably not going to find a swan that looks that much better than the one you’ve got, so why not mate for life.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can’t get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you’re talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you…

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That’s called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn’t seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don’t think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.

Marta talks about sensuality, but I don’t think she’d know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it’s made up of two separate words – "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you’d look out your little window and think, “Boy, I’m glad I’m not out in THAT.”

Most people don’t realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, for when you get bit by a rattlesnake.

Once, when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it’s not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He started telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn’t too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then, the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn’t too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn’t know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she’d give it to you.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don’t understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair.

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE’S GOING?

Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing.

Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what’s for supper?"

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don’t care who hears me, because I am beautiful.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it’s head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let’s say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head". Normally, you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who had beautiful swept-back features, as if flying though the air. But think again. Couldn’t it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I’m afraid some people might actually think that.

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain—unless there’s lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor–through some kind of space warp or something. "Go, Bob, go " yelled one of the generals. "Give me that" said the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. "Listen, Bob," he said. "You’ve got to steer that meteor away from Earth." "Yes, but how?" thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of the meteor.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car – I forget what kind it was – and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I’ll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn’t get more meat, I’ll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I’ve hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.

The old-timers around here still shake their heads and chuckle about that city slicker who came through, trying to peddle "hair restorer." He took everyone’s money in a poker game, so when he tried to sell the bottles of hair restorer, nobody had any money left to buy it!

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that’s the way of these people.

The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn’t pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren’t many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor’s bills were real high.

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he’s completely draped in it. Then he’ll stand up and go, "Hey, I’m Vine Man."

There are many stages to a man’s life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then "skinned." I’m not sure what the fourth stage is.

There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain’t gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don’t think I’d ever get tired of that.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

To me, there’s no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there’s a globe lying next to him.

To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can’t remember, all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me.

To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the surrender.

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn’t made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

Too bad there’s not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you’d probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one.

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn’t a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he’s just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I’d invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I’d have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

Too bad you can’t buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

Too bad you can’t just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you’d be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.

We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap?

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he’d head off and go fishing. But we wouldn’t be laughing that evening when he’d come back with some whore he picked up in town.

What am I afraid of? I’ll tell you: a feather. That’s right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That’s an honest question, and I’ll try to give an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we’ll never know.

When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can’t think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.

When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to laugh. Not because of what he said, but because of a joke I thought of. I told him the joke, but he didn’t laugh very much. Some friend HE is.

When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven and pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it’s not, ummmm, boy.

When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

When you’re riding in a time machine way far into the future, don’t stick your elbow out the window, or it’ll turn into a fossil.

Whenever I need to “get away,” I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They’re terrible!

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions?

Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing: a better house.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I’d ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you’d probably be able to get a lot of free games.

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.

Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won’t laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?

Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It’s simple, it comes from the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it.

You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)

You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!

You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don’t even care, do you.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

You know what’s probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.

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One comment on “Deep Thoughts
  1. beck says:

    this was so funny i almost freakng died

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