busy weekends

Someday, I’m going to actually have a three-day weekend where I accomplish all the stuff I need to accomplish and yet still have time to relax and enjoy myself. I got a lot done, it’s true. However, the mountain of junk that’s still left to accomplish is threatening to tumble down around me. And I really have to learn to say no to people.
Boy, it has been a grand week of me bitching about things, hasn’t it? I just want to go home and sleep. But no; there’s too much to do.

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happiness begins with a smile

happiness begins with a smile and a wink
Unless life decides to slap you for going around winking at it.
Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.
Yup.
Nature, time and patience are the three great physicians
But what about Dr. Carrie Weaver? she’s pretty great.
You are a bundle of energy, always on the go
and it has nothing to do with caffeine, I swear.
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader
Ha! you haven’t seen how I get treated on the gayindy mailing list.
You are kind-hearted and hospitable, cheerful an well-liked.
We determined when I got this one that it was the anti-fortune cookie, where the opposite is true than real life.
You have a yearning for perfection
hmmm. I think this cookie must have been for my older brother. I’m basically happy with anything that’s 15% more than half-ass.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
And this one’s for him, too.
Simplicity of character is the natural result of profound thought.
Cool.
You are going to have a very comfortable old age.
That’s cause I’m on the Okinawa Program
You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
Actually, that’s kinda true
You will have a visitor soon–keep the door locked.
acck!
You are original and creative.
Now you’re just sucking up.
Take a vacation, you will have unexpected gains.
Can’t I just get rich sitting on my butt at home?
Promptness to go to a friend in adversity is appreciated.
But is it absolutely necessary? Because I’m kinda busy.
You will realize your dreams by your own efforts.
You find beauty in ordinary things; do not lose this ability.
Any rough times are now behind you.
Good to know. I’m holding you to this one.
You will enjoy good health, you will be surrounded by luxury.
And run-on sentences.
Today is a lucky day for those who are cheerful and optimistic.
Good for them. I’ll endeavor not to beat them up.
Love truth but pardon error.
It’s not error I have a problem with, it’s intentional bad behavior.
When one lacks a sense of awe, there will be disaster.
You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
A wise man knows everything; A shrewd one, everybody.
Count me as wise.
God has given you one face, and you make yourselves another.
So I’m two-faced, you’re sayin’?
Wake up. You are under the lucky star now.
What? What? I’m awake. What were you saying?
You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
Unlike that one girl I went out with who, when I asked her to go to the IMA, said, “I don’t like Art.” Of course, the first think I thought was “Vandelay?” (and so did my friend Karl when I told him the story) but I thought it would be bad form to make a Seinfeld joke, so I said “Um. Like, in general?” I thought maybe sculpture was cool, but not painting… She didn’t answer, and we never went out again. And I still don’t know quite what she meant.
You are demonstrative with those you love.
Yeah, come’re you! Let me give you an indian burn! You know I love ya!
An empty stomach is not a good political advisor.
And you should always eat before going to the grocery store, I know.
A friend asks only for your time, not your money.
This just makes me feel guilty about the number of times I borrowed money from people back in college.

Continue Readinghappiness begins with a smile

You are the master of your fate

You are the master of your fate
Now doesn’t this defeat the *purpose* of a fortune cookie? Isn’t the point so I can be a sloth and just let my fate be assigned?
You will be advanced socially, without any special effort.
See, that’s more like it. Fortune cookies that allow me to be lazy are the kind I can get behind.
Depart not from the path which fate has you assigned
But I though I was that master of my fate. Now I’m just confused.
Soon you will be sitting on top of the world
Sing it with me! “I’m on the top of the world looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find….”
The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others
And I will say “you coveteth my luck, but you cannot have it. I’ve had this luck since I was a child.”
the first step to better times is to imagine them
I’ve been daydreaming all day; it’s not helping at all
you are the center of everyone’s attention
You’re damned right I am. And it’s about time, too.
get your mind set… Confidence will lead you on
Damn it, there’s not really anything smart ass you can say about that
Discontent is the first step in progress of a man or a nation
Rock the boat! Rock the boat! Rock….
There is a true and sincere friendship between you both
both of the people in my head?
Answer just what your heart prompts you
Now even I know that’s not a good idea.
Good news will be brought to you by mail
from Amazon.com, probably
it is very possible that you will achieve greatness in your lifetime
*Very possible???* Damn, that’s not very precise. Couldn’t I get a “probable”?
you are broad-minded and socially active
Heh heh. You said “broad-minded.” Heh.
The best prophet of the future is the past
Too bad Hitler didn’t get this one when he was invading Russia.
the dim haze of enchantment will add mystery to your life
Well, it’s certainly the dim haze of *something*.
Good things are being said about you
In Bed! I have to add it on this one!
You will inherit a large sum of money
I’m looking at my family and thinking “from who?” and making notes to be nice to strangers.
Accept the next proposition you hear
In Bed! Must add it to this one, too.
A financial investment will yield returns beyond your wildest dreams
Because I bought the little red plastic hotels instead of green houses for Park Place.
You will have many friends when you need them
and they will go away when they start to get in your hair.
You are next in line for a promotion in your firm
Ack, I’m standing in the wrong line. I thought this was the one to get coffee.
All your hard work will soon pay off
As soon as you start doing some, Steph.
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune
As my friends say, I *do* get all the good fortune cookies.
Life to you is a dashing and bold adventure
Well, yes, that’s true.
You have a strong desire for a home and your family comes first
Snort.

Continue ReadingYou are the master of your fate

Stupid Spam

Here’s some great spam of the sort I get all the time:

Subject: Hello Steph.
Date: Thu, 10 May 2001 01:23:07 -0400 (EDT)
From: ETM <qx5fd@hotmail.com>
Dear Steph,
My name is John Barister and I work for a company called Electronic Traffic Management. Our Company has done a large amount of market research that has brought back some very interesting results.

Immediately with the first sentence I are skeptible (a new word, meaning skeptical in a “funny voice” way, along with the noun-verb disagreement, which, when done intentionally is hi-larous) about this. Market research on what? My web site? The solar system? Green Eggs and Ham? How interesting are these results? [fake voice]Veeeery iiinteresting.[/fake voice] I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to find out more about these results of research of the marketing variety on an undisclosed subject.
We suspect that you’re not getting the return on investment you were hoping for with your website. If you would like, I would be happy to give you some tools that will start to bring in larger returns.
Now that’s a non sequitur for you. Are these supposed to be the aforementioned “results” of the marketing variety? Your marketing research has told you that you suspect I’m not getting a [bullshit bingo] return on my investment[/bullshit bingo]? Your research ain’t very good then, cause this is my personal site and my return on investment is sky high considering that I don’t pay beans for this site and I get to just spout off on any old topic without caring what anyone else thinks.
But all that not with standing, you were mentioning giving me tools? I like tools. What kind are they? Car tools or house tools? Or maybe they’re my new favorite kind; lawn care tools. What ever; you said you’d “give” me these tools, not “sell” me these tools. Sound’s like your return on investment is gonna take a beating if you go around just giving tools to people for no good reason except you did some hazy sort of marketing research. Have a glance at this post here that explains about How to Make Use of Intercom Documentation and how it is now being used in the marketing field.
You can also go to our website and download the free video on how to get more business from your online investment. If you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you will keep getting what you’ve been getting! Just visit the link below and follow the instructions:
Apparently, I need to keep doing EXACTLY what I’ve been doing, because I have an incredibly satisfying cheapo personal website which causes people to go around giving me tools (of an undisclosed nature) and free videos which unfortunately sound rather boring.
http://www.electronictraffic.com/marketing.htm
Now, this URL they sent bothers me. Because if these guys are the big shots they claim they are (okay, they never claimed to be, but they are throwing around words like “marketing research” and “return on investment” like there’s no tomorrow, which sounds like a “We’re all of the big-head variety right over here, huh!” type of speech.) their URL would be:
http://www.electronictraffic.com/marketing/index.htm
Because then marketing wouldn’t be a single *page* on their site, but a whole *section* of which the index page is first. Sort of like on my site, where I have
https://commonplacebook.com/humor/index.shtm
And there are literally like, hundreds, of jokes in the category of /humor/, see whut I mean? If these guys don’t have more than one page of things to say about marketing, when you know, they’re doing all this vast marketing research (apparently on my site, which is damn kind of them to do without even being asked and all) they should have like, a giant database worths of stuff to say about the marketing.
So basically, I think these guys are big fat liars. Which make me really suspicious of the following:
To be removed from our mailing list, simply send an email tormv@mailandnews.com with the word “remove” in the subject line. Your email address will be permanently removed, and you will not receive any further mailings from us. Please note that any attempts to abuse the removal process will result our inability to handle remove requests.
Because the secret new internet meaning of the word “remove” is “sign me up for a bunch more spam as I confirm this e-mail address is a valid one.” I’ll think, instead of “removing” myself from their mailing list, I’ll just make fun of it on my website.
SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM

Continue ReadingStupid Spam

Gay for Good: Can straight guys become happy homosexuals?

By Jefferson Morley

“Most mental-health organizations have passed resolutions discouraging the use of so-called reparative therapies intended to change homosexuals into heterosexuals, saying no scientific evidence exists to show they are effective.” —- New York Times, May 9, 2001

To people who say that psychotherapy cannot change a person’s sexual orientation, Dr. Rafe Da Vinci of Miami Beach says, “Numbers aren’t straight or queer, they’re clear. And the numbers show that therapy can change orientation, especially among men.”

Da Vinci, a veteran psychiatrist with a booming practice in a Collins Avenue high-rise, is attracting growing attention in the debate about so-called “reparative therapies” that seek to change a person’s sexual orientation. Doctors, gay rights activists, and others who say that sexual orientation is determined early in life have questioned claims that people with homosexual tendencies can overcome them via psychotherapy. Da Vinci’s practice focuses on an oft-neglected group at the heart of this debate: straight men who wish to become gay.

“Survey data from submarines, discos, and prisons show that anywhere from 9 to 23 percent of males say they have a desire to become gay,” Da Vinci said in a recent interview. “I think we have shown that these same men, if they commit themselves to an intensive course of therapy, can become happy homosexuals.”

Heterosexual rights activists have questioned Da Vinci’s data and criticized his politics, saying that his practice stigmatizes perfectly normal straight people and exploits their feelings of shame and guilt. Critics also allege that Da Vinci supported a resolution at the 1978 American Congress of Psychotherapists defining heterosexuality as a “uniquely vexing condition.” The motion was narrowly defeated. Da Vinci denies any intention of fomenting intolerance of the straight lifestyle, saying that he was married to his third wife at the time.

Bearded, avuncular, and outspoken, Da Vinci has attracted hundreds of clients from all over south Florida with a controversial counseling regimen that includes group discussions about how best to cope with the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. There are also frequent trips to Dean & DeLuca and a reading list that includes Remembrance of Things Past, Dennis Rodman’s memoirs, and The Seven Habits of Highly Homosexual People.

“In Freudian terms, we seek to reverse the Oedipal cycle, transferring the object identification with the unrealizable female Other into a more cognitive attachment to a responsible male, preferably one with a BMW,” Da Vinci explained.

Originally a skeptic about reparative therapies, Da Vinci now says he is a believer.

“The non-straight heterosexual can reconcile his value system and his orientation,” he says. “I’ve seen it happen in my office.”

Da Vinci’s latest book, Going Gay (Gomorrah Press), is now ranked 14,342 on the Amazon.com best-seller list and is climbing rapidly. His claims of success, while hotly disputed by heterosexual rights activists, are beginning to receive respectful coverage in professional journals. Last year Da Vinci published a peer-reviewed article in the Journal of Gendered Genetics that is stirring debate on the Internet and on talk radio shows in some parts of Western Australia.

Out of 111 men who had undergone his “Gay for Good” course of therapy for at least a year, Da Vinci reported that 29 said that they no longer had sexual fantasies involving Rachel from Friends. An additional 21 men reported that while they still hoped to date Anna Kournikova someday, they were “somewhat happier” with their homosexual lifestyle. Da Vinci acknowledges that a slight majority of the men, 55 in total, reverted back to a straight lifestyle. Six of the reversion group, he noted, had committed suicide.

“Clearly, this therapy isn’t for everybody,” Da Vinci said.

The most common motivating factors cited by men who want to become gay, according to Da Vinci’s survey, were “morality” (58 percent), “better clothes” (39 percent), and “more quality time at the gym” (28 percent).

“A lot of these guys say they deeply believe that it’s just not right to get into a reproductive relationship in an era of dwindling natural resources,” Da Vinci said. “Others want to uphold the moral values exemplified by Western thinkers from Socrates to Allan Bloom.”

Da Vinci expressed surprise that among the motivations of those seeking to stay gay for good, “more sexual partners” only barely edged out “less watching of football” (22 percent to 21 percent). He said older patients in his study group most often cited “live like Cary Grant” (11 percent) and “a lot more sexual partners” (9 percent) as reasons for leaving the straight lifestyle. Younger clients spoke of “increased opportunities for meeting Ricky Martin in person” (5 percent).

Garth LeBouche, executive director of the Straight Support Network, a heterosexual activist group based in Arlington, Texas, decried Da Vinci’s claims as “agenda-driven.”

He criticized Da Vinci’s reports about heterosexual suicide. According to published interviews, two of the men cited in Da Vinci’s study had not committed suicide but had perished from heat exhaustion at a PTA meeting. A third fatality, LeBouche said, had strangled on a Happy Meal toy while playing with his 4-year-old son.

“Do those sound like men who died unhappy about their heterosexuality?” LeBouche said in a telephone interview. “Only an intolerant extremist would say such a thing.”

LeBouche praised the recent decision of the Bush administration to reverse an executive order issued by President Clinton on his last day in office that would have included “Gay for Good” on a list of reparative therapies paid for by the U.S. Navy’s health plan.

“This crazy notion that we can talk people into loving someone else should not be financed by the U.S. taxpayer,” LeBouche said.

Da Vinci, a registered Republican who voted for McCain, says he regrets the administration’s decision but will not contest it.

“Ending coverage will most likely hurt unit morale. On those submarines where the presence of straight people may be perceived by homosexuals as incompatible with tradition, the Gay for Good program helped some sailors fit in. Now, unhappy heterosexuals, who I suspect voted overwhelmingly for Bush, will have nowhere to turn. It’s sad.”

The tanned and buff doctor scoffs at published reports in the gay press that he is a closet heterosexual. He says that he and his longtime spiritual companion of three weeks, physical trainer Ferdinand Mateo of Brazil, are now seeking to develop conversion therapy for women.

“Our research,” Da Vinci says, “suggests that up to 72 percent of all adult females say that heterosexual men are either emotionally unavailable, financially untrustworthy, sexually selfish, hygienically challenged, prone to illusions of grandeur, or all of the above. If we can help millions of women to become lesbians, we think that would probably be a net plus for human happiness.”

Continue ReadingGay for Good: Can straight guys become happy homosexuals?