Abraham Lincoln

Snopes.com does a nice job of investigating each of these dates and determining what’s true and what’s not.

1816 – Family was forced out of home, and he had to work to support them
1818 – His mother died
1831 – Failed in business
1832 – Lost election for legislature
1832 – Lost his job
1832 – Wanted to go to law school but couldn’t get in
1833 – Began a business and went bankrupt, spent next 17 years paying off the debt
1835 – Sweetheart died
1836 – Nervous breakdown
1838 – Sought to become speaker of legislature and was defeated
1843 – Defeated for Congress
1848 – Defeated for re-election to Congress
1849 – Rejected for job of land officer
1854 – Defeated for US Senate
1856 – Defeated for Vice President
1858 – Defeated for US Senate
1860 – Elected President of the United States

Something to think about. Never quit trying.

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Seattle Special Olympics

Author Unknown – email forward

Parts of this story have been proven to be untrue, according to this page on Snopes.com

A few years ago at the seattle special olympics, nine contestants, all physically or mentally disabled, assembled at the starting line for the 100 yard dash.

At the gun, they all started out, not exactly in a dash, but with a relish to run the race, to the finish, and win. All, that is, except one little boy who stumbled on the asphalt, tumbled over, and began to cry. The other eight heard the boy cry. They slowed down and looked back. Then they all turned around and went back. Every one of them. One girl with down’s syndrome bent down and kissed him and said," this will make it better."

Then all nine linked arms, and walked together to the finish line. Everyone in the stadium stood, and cheered; the cheering went on for several minutes.

People who were there are still telling the story. Why? Because deep down we know this one thing: What matters in life is more than winning for ourselves. What matters in this life is helping others win, even if it means slowing down, and changing our course.

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Having My Baby…

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the gays’ delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn’t it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "He’s happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass."

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The Gay Agenda

I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwell and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Well, I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:

6:00 am Gym
8:00 am Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00 am Hair appointment
10:00 am Shopping
12:00 PM Brunch

2:00 PM
1) Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, State and Local Governments as well as all other national governments,
2) Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle,
3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages,
4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels,
5) Establish planetary chain of homo breeding gulags where over-medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership,
6) bulldoze all houses of worship, and
7) Secure total control of the INTERNET and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.

2:30 PM Get forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from stress of world conquest
4:00 PM Cocktails
6:00 PM Light Dinner (soup, salad, with Chardonnay)
8:00 PM Theater
11:00 PM Bed (du jour)"

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Attention All Heterosexual Men!

Are you disillusioned by your lifestyle? Do you want more from life besides monster truck shows? Do Budweiser commercials confuse you? Are you tired of being a year behind in fashion? Do you wish you had a nice apartment like the ones you see on "Will & Grace"?

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Act now, and you’ll be on your way to living a fabulous, glamorous life as a HOMOSEXUAL! We are now recruiting heterosexual men ages 18-65 to become homosexuals. Let us assist you in your transformation from bland to beautiful! We’ll give you all the steps you’ll need to be a happy fairy, such as:

  • Drag Queen make-up tips!
  • How to have sex with a man WITHOUT the six pack of beer!
  • How to decorate with frills and throw pillows to brighten up any room!
  • Essential Madonna and Cher records to own
  • That tongue trick invented circa 1978 in some alley in NYC
  • Ricky Martin’s fan club address
  • Style and grooming tips NO self respecting gay would be without (hope you’re not too attached to that uni-brow)
  • How to wear a G-string with poise and dignity (we’ll insert a few bucks to get you started)
  • Finger-snapping lessons, and a dialect coach to assist in "gaylingo"
  • Learn important historical dates, like: the year Donna Summer won her first Grammy, Barbra’s wedding anniversary, and the day Judy died!

ACT NOW AND YOU’LL RECEIVE A GOLD-PLATED CLOSET DOOR HINGE TO SYMBOLIZE YOUR FREEDOM!

Don’t delay any longer! Do you want to have more women hanging off you than when you were straight? Aren’t you tired of the snickers whenever you walk into a room?

Call 1-800-976-HOMO to BEGIN YOUR LIFE AS A FABULOUS FAG!!!

Call today. Operators are standing by . . . . .

Continue ReadingAttention All Heterosexual Men!

service engine soon

I’ve recovered, somewhat, from the stress of this weekend. My “service engine soon” light came on in my car, and I freaked out about that on Friday, but it turns out I didn’t put the gas cap on tight enough when I got gas, so when I got a new tank last night and fired up the car this morning, it was no longer a problem.
I went to the Pitch-in Friday night at Deb B.’s. It was pretty fun; we played Cranium. I spend all day Saturday doing laundry at my mom’s; hopefully that will “tide” me over until I can get in the new place. Yesterday I took pictures of some big stone mermaids my friend Lori told me about; they’re at her uncle’s business on the southside. I also took photos of my new rental house and wandered around in WalMart looking at gardening supplies and outdoor furniture.

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Einstein’s Speech

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Author Unknown

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I’ve heard you give this speech so many times, I’ll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let’s do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

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The Story of Randy the Rooster

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A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named Randy; he’ll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it, so he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a peptalk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of ckickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy took off like a shot. ~WHAM~ He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.

Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake, ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy’s up in the pigpen, he’s in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold, in the middle of the yard.

Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they’re getting closer…."

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Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

Author Unknown

10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

8. You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnap.

7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it … and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you’re known as the IronMouser.

and the #1 sign your cat has learned your internet password…

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post!

Continue ReadingTen Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password