The X (mas) Files

Author Unknown

Mulder: We’re too late. It’s already been here.

Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.

Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted,
transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings
hung by the chimney, with care.

Scully: You really think someone’s been here?

Mulder: Someone or some THING.

Scully: Mulder, over here — its fruitcake.

Mulder: Don’t touch it! Those things can be lethal.

Scully: It’s O.K. there’s a note attached: "Gonna find out who’s naughty and
nice."

Mulder: It’s judging them, Scully. It’s making a list.

Scully: Who? What are you talking about?

Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity that could travel at
great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter
solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers
and punish its disbeliveers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

Scully: But that’s legend, Mulder – a story told by parents to frighten children.
Surely, you don’t believe it?

Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread
man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive — and in a hurry.

Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely
drained.

Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.

Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were
locked. There’s no sign of forced entry.

Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the
roof and came down the chimney, you’re crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there.

Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions.

Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I’ve never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home
was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its
ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I’ll never forget the
horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial
features of my father.

Scully: Impossible.

Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato
Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD.

Scully: I’m sorry, Mulder, but you’re asking me to disregard the laws of physics.
You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and
brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they’ll
close the X-files.

Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you’re
awake.

Scully: But we have no proof.

Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys
in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.

Scully: But that was a meteor shower.

Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from
the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. No one, not even the zookeeper, was told about
it. The government doesn’t want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing were proved to exist, then
the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy.
Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature
lives. There’s too much at stake. They’ll do whatever it takes to insure another
silent night.

Scully: Mulder, I —

Mulder: Sh-h-h! Do you hear what I hear?

Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . .a clatter.

Mulder: The truth is up there. Let’s see what’s the matter.

Continue ReadingThe X (mas) Files

New Y2K Software

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Jokes
  • Post comments:0 Comments

Author Unknown

This memo is to announce the development of a new database software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS.

Last week my secretary said to me, "I’m a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

Continue ReadingNew Y2K Software

Solving The Y0K Problem

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Jokes
  • Post comments:0 Comments

Author Unknown

While browsing through material in the recesses of the Roman Section of the British Museum, a researcher recently came across a tattered bit of parchment. After some effort he translated it and found it was a letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of "magister factorium," or keeper of the calendar, to one Cassius. It was dated, strangely enough, 2 BC, December 3 — about 2,000 years ago. The text of the message follows:

Dear Cassius:

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven’t much time left. I don’t know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last Minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn’t done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won’t work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.

The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. Its an ill wind….

As for myself, I just can’t see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won’t arrive until it’s all over.

I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem.

I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops. If you have any ideas please let me know,

Plutonius

Continue ReadingSolving The Y0K Problem

How To Solve The Y2K Problem

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Jokes
  • Post comments:0 Comments

Author Unknown

The Corporate Office has defined a lower cost alternative for Desktop conversions that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue:

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches, keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
4. Substantial hardware cost savings.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don’t shake it.

Continue ReadingHow To Solve The Y2K Problem

Two Digits for a Date

Author Unknown

(sung to the tune of "Gilligan’s Island", more or less)

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date… two digits for a date.

Main memory was much smaller then;
Hard disks were smaller, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let’s get by with two….Get by with just the two."

"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we rewrite before that
It all will go away… it all will go away."

But Management had not a clue:
"It works fine now, you bet!
A rewrite is a straight expense;
We won’t do it just yet… we won’t do it just yet."

Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to Hell,
For zero’s less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell… as anyone can tell.

The mail won’t bring your pension check.
It won’t be sent to you.
When you’re no longer sixty-eight,
But minus thirty-two… but minus thirty-two.

The problems we’re about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code’s
The only certain cure… the only certain cure.

There’s not much time,
There’s too much code.
(And Cobol-coders, few)
When the century is finished with,
We may be finished, too… we may be finished, too.

The way to get the time we need
I now propose to you:
A Daylight Savings decade,
Or maybe even two… or maybe even two.

Eight thousand years from now I hope
That things weren’t left too late,
And people aren’t lamenting
Four digits for a date… four digits for a date.

Continue ReadingTwo Digits for a Date

It Ain’t Me

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Music
  • Post comments:0 Comments

Bob Dylan
Another Side of Bob Dylan 1964

Bob Dylan's Greatest Hits
Bob Dylan’s Greatest Hits

Go ‘way from my window,
Leave at your own chosen speed.
I’m not the one you want, babe,
I’m not the one you need.
You say you’re lookin’ for someone
Never weak but always strong,
To protect you an’ defend you
Whether you are right or wrong,
Someone to open each and every door,
But it ain’t me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe,
It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for, babe.

Go lightly from the ledge, babe,
Go lightly on the ground.
I’m not the one you want, babe,
I will only let you down.
You say you’re lookin’ for someone
Who will promise never to part,
Someone to close his eyes for you,
Someone to close his heart,
Someone who will die for you an’ more,
But it ain’t me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe,
It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for, babe.

Go melt back into the night, babe,
Everything inside is made of stone.
There’s nothing in here moving
An’ anyway I’m not alone.
You say you’re looking for someone
Who’ll pick you up each time you fall,
To gather flowers constantly
An’ to come each time you call,
A lover for your life an’ nothing more,
But it ain’t me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe,
It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for, babe.

Continue ReadingIt Ain’t Me

Bad Moon Rising

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Music
  • Post comments:0 Comments

Written by: J. Fogerty
Performed by: Creedence Clearwater Revival

Bad Moon Rising
Bad Moon Rising

I see a bad moon arising.
I see trouble on the way.
I see earthquakes and lightnin’.
I see bad times today.

CHORUS:
Don’t go around tonight,
Well, it’s bound to take your life,
There’s a bad moon on the rise.

I hear hurricanes ablowing.
I know the end is coming soon.
I fear rivers over flowing.
I hear the voice of rage and ruin.

Don’t go around tonight,
Well, it’s bound to take your life,
There’s a bad moon on the rise.

Hope you got your things together.
Hope you are quite prepared to die.
Looks like we’re in for nasty weather.
One eye is taken for an eye.

Don’t go around tonight,
Well, it’s bound to take your life,
There’s a bad moon on the rise.

Don’t go around tonight,
Well, it’s bound to take your life,
There’s a bad moon on the rise.

Continue ReadingBad Moon Rising

Mad World

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Music
  • Post comments:0 Comments

Tears for Fears, Gary Jule

donnie darko
donnie darko

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
‘Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very
Mad World

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
‘Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very
Mad World

Continue ReadingMad World

Sarah Michelle Gellar Dreams – Parts 2, 3, and 4

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Dreams
  • Post comments:0 Comments

Sarah Michelle GellarOkay, I’ve had three more dreams recently about Sarah Michelle Gellar. In the past, I’ve had reoccurring dreams and sex dreams, but never a reoccurring sex dream. This is very cool, and I hope it lasts.

Actually, only one of these three new dreams — the first — was really a sex dream per se, and was very similar to the one I had earlier, except that I remembered (!) to shut up and not ask questions. (I actually remembered the other dream *in* this one. Weird.)

The second dream I had was one in which I made spinach lasagna for Sarah, and she ate it at my apartment. (This is the second time I’ve dreamed about my apartment where it actually *looked* like my real apartment.) She loved it, and wrapped up the rest to take home with her. We didn’t do anything but kiss, but the whole thing seemed erotically charged. Especially the part where she liked the lasagna.

The third dream was related to something I was doing earlier in the day when I was awake. I had been trying to figure out the best way to rearrange the furniture in my apartment, and was frustrated because all the floor plans that I came up with wouldn’t work — I’m limited by the location of electrical outlets.

I finally gave up in frustration and went to bed, and dreamed that I came home from work to find that Sarah had rearranged my apartment. Perfectly. I was thrilled. Then we made out on the couch. But I woke, up, so I got up and rearranged my apartment in the exact way she did in the dream, at three in the morning.

Cool, she likes the way I cook, wants to make out with me, and does all my lateral thinking. Too bad she’s not real.

Continue ReadingSarah Michelle Gellar Dreams – Parts 2, 3, and 4

Fight The Power

01 – Fight the Power – The Isley Brothers – It’s Your Thing (boxed set)
02 – Go – Indigo Girls – Come On Now Social
03 – Reclaim – Copper Wimmin – American Tyranny
04 – Power to the Meek – Eurythmics – Peace
05 – Pop Singer’s Fear of the Pollen Count – The Divine Comedy – A Secret History — The Best of…
06 – Steal My Sunshine – Len – You Can’t Stop the Bum Rush
07 – Gone Again – Indigo Girls – Come On Now Social
08 – Halo of Gold – Beck – Cold Brains [Import]
09 – Joy – Gay Dad – Leisure Noise
10 – Mistaken – Save Ferris – Modified
11 – Barrel of a Gun 4321 – Guster – Lost & Gone Forever
12 – Rafiki – Zap Mama – A Ma Zone
13 – Rappers, Rappers, Rappers – Aceyalone – Strength Magazine Presents Subtext
14 – Rockets on the Battlefield – Kool Keith – Black Elvis/Lost in Space
15 – Sucks to Be You – Prözzak – Hot Show
16 – Strangelove Addiction – Supreme Beings of Leisure – Supreme Beings of Leisure
17 – 17 Again – Eurythmics – Peace
18 – She’s So High – Tal Bachman – Tal Bachman
19 – Green – Copper Wimmin – American Tyranny

Continue ReadingFight The Power