Bobby Knight in Heaven

Author Unknown

After Bobby Knight dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on tour. He shows Bobby a little two-bedroom house with a faded Texas Tech banner hanging from the front porch.

"This is your house, coach. Most people don’t get their own houses up here," God says.

Bobby looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill.

It’s a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Purdue flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Boilermaker banner hangs between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the house, God. But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner, and Keady gets a mansion with new Purdue banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"

God looks at him seriously for a moment. "That’s not Keady’s house," God says. "That’s mine."

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The Beer Prayer

Author Unknown, but thanks to Jesus for the inspiration

Our Lager,
Which art in Barrels
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk)
at home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
and forgive us our spillages
as we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration
but deliver us from hangovers.
for thine is the beer, the bitter, the lager.

Barmen.

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In the Sistine Chapel

Michelangelo is painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel when he sees an old woman praying the rosary. He decides to take a break and lies back on the scaffolding so the woman can’t see him and says in a loud voice, "I am Jesus Christ. Listen to me and I will perform miracles."

The old woman is intent on her beads and does not look up. Michelangelo figures that she is hard of hearing, so he shouts, "I am Jesus Christ! Listen to me and I will perform miracles!"

With head bent, the woman continues praying so Michelangelo shouts, "I AM JESUS CHRIST! LISTEN TO ME!" The old woman yells back, "Would you shut up? I’m talking to your mother."

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A Little Accident

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, "So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Kedem wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren’t you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No…I think I’ll wait for the police."

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What time is it in Heaven?

Author Unknown

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter, so, he says "I’m not very busy today, I’ll show you around."

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

"What’s with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is. St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

As the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving, he notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What’s the story with that clock?"

"Oh, That’s OJ’s clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

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The Nature of Man

Author Unknown

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."

And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so.

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Math is Hard

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort,they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look and heads straight to his room. He doesn’t kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.

"Well then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around."

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A Pretty Bad Day

Author Unknown

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell — but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man came up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It’s been a very strange day," he replies. "You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here." Once again, Peter had to concede that it sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator…"

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Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical

Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.

So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

Gotcha! And you thought it was dirty.

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Arthritis

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading— a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I’ll be damned," the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized. "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong — how long have you had arthritis?"

"I don’t, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it."

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