The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going. "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death.
An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny’s batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming…
In one episode of “Cheers”, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the “Buffalo Theory” to his buddy Norm:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their university years. So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn’t deny yourself the career that you could have.
Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.
Quick Comebacks to that ever annoying Question…
I already have enough LAUNDRY to do, thank you.
Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
It gives my mother something to live for.
It didn’t seem worth a blood test.
I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
What? And spoil my great sex life?
Nobody would believe me in white.
Because I just love hearing this question.
(Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
Do you know how hard it is to get TWO tickets to Miss Saigon?
My co-op board doesn’t allow spouses. (A New York Special)
I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.
I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she’s a prostitute."
"I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for ‘Bambi’ to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can’t believe it!"
George said, "Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
Kudzu is green,
my dog’s name is Blue
And I’m so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s
And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales
But I luv you anyway.
You’re as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin’ in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we’re in a croud.
On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I’m in hawg heaven,
I’m plumb outta wits.
And speakin’ of wits,
You’ve got plenty fer shore.
‘Cuz you married me
Back in ’74.
Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo’re there fer yore man,
To patch up life’s troubles
And stick ’em in the can.
Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin’ through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.
Yo’re as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like no far ant
Upon which I oft’ tread.
Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.
Yore complexion, it’s perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin’.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin’.
And when you get old
Like a ’67 Chevy,
Won’t put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.
Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It’s romantic that way.
Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That’s impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it’s a new trollin’ motor.
This parody is to be sung to the tune of Home on the Range.
Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
With its Y-chromosome changed to X
And when it is grown
Then my own little clone
Will be of the opposite sex.
(Chorus)
Clone, clone of my own,
With your Y-Chromosome changed to X
And when I’m alone
With my own little clone
We will both think of nothing but sex.
Oh, give me a clone
In my sorrowful moan
A clone that is wholly my own.
And if she’s an X
Of the feminine sex
Oh, what fun we will have when we’re prone.
My heart’s not of stone,
As I’ve frequently shown
When alone with my own little X
And after we’ve dined
I am sure we will find
Better incest than Oedipus Rex.
Why should such sex vex
Or disturb or perplex
Or induce a disparaging tone.
After all, don’t you see
Since we’re both of us me
When we’re having sex, I’m alone.
And after I’m done
She will still have her fun
For I’ll clone myself twice ere I die.
And this time without fail,
They’ll be both of them male
And they’ll ravage her by and by.
Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders"
Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty beer bottle.
Occasionally you’d bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or "Git"instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel".
Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.
The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you’d hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!" and "Roll Tide".
Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be "Sweet Home Alabama" followed by an introduction from Hank Williams (Senior), Elvis Presley, and Paul "Bear" Bryant.
PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".
Microsoft’s programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul D-".
Winders 95 Logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.
Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
"Well, the first thing you know ole Bill’s a billionaire…"
Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates — 18. Direct link to the WWW (World Wide Wrestling) Home Page.
"Where’s Waldo?" would be replaced with "Where’s Elvis?".
15. Every link seems to take you to www.amway.com.
14. Repetition of same banner ads: Stoli, Mott’s… Stoli, Mott’s…
13. He brings twenty-three wives to the office Holiday Party.
12. Instead of counting up visitors, your site counts down days to the apocalypse.
11. Suddenly your travel agency’s site is featuring interplanetary excursions for comet watching and one-way tickets to Guyana.
10. His home page says "Best viewed from the Mothership."
9. Your website’s "Hall of Fame" inductees required to do stint handing out flowers at airport.
8. Your website is honored as the David Koresh Fan Club’s "Site of the Day."
7. She has 38 roommates, yet is oddly stress-free.
6. Insists that Sabbath actually begins when "X-files" ends.
5. Frequently mutters about the "Prophet Steve Jobs" returning to rescue the true believers.
4. Not only does he understand Unix, he *IS* one.
3. Big "N" on your browser replaced by spinning head of Charles Manson.
2. He only answers to the name, "Doe-bert."
1. Ugly clothes; insufficient diet; lack of sleep; goofy haircut; lives in a mansion; has many followe… Hey, wait a minute! That’s Bill Gates!!
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again and maybe it’ll work!?"