Books I Read in 1997 (92 titles)

More or less; I started keeping track diligently in the summer; so there are a few titles missing.

Fiction

April Lady
Author: Georgette Heyer

As the Crow Flies
Author: Jeffery Archer

Behind the Mask
Author: Kim Larabee

The Book of Ruth
Author: Jane Hamilton

Cassandra
Author: Christa Wolffs

Belgariad Series – Castle of Wizardry
Author: David Eddings

Belgariad Series – Enchanter’s End Game
Author: David Eddings

Belgariad Series – Magician’s Gambit
Author: David Eddings

Belgariad Series – Pawn of Prophecy
Author: David Eddings

Belgariad Series – Queen of Sorcery
Author: David Eddings

A Civil Contract
Author: Georgette Heyer

The Corinthian
Author: Georgette Heyer

Cotillion
Author: Georgette Heyer

The Dreyfus Affair
Author: Peter LefCourt

Ellen Foster
Author: Kay Gibbons

The Chronicles of Narnia – The Magician’s Nephew (Book 1)
Author: C. S. Lewis

The Chronicles of Narnia – The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (Book 2)
Author: C. S. Lewis

The Chronicles of Narnia – The Silver Chair
Author: C. S. Lewis

The Chronicles of Narnia – Prince Caspian
Author: C. S. Lewis

The Chronicles of Narnia – Voyage of the Dawn Treader (Book 5)
Author: C. S. Lewis

The Chronicles of Narnia – The Horse and His Boy (Book 6)
Author: C. S. Lewis

The Chronicles of Narnia – The Last Battle (Book 7)
Author: C. S. Lewis

Faro’s Daughter
Author: Georgette Heyer

Earthsea Trilogy – The Farthest Shore
Author: Ursula K. Le Guin

Earthsea Trilogy – Tombs of Atuan
Author: Ursula K. Le Guin

Earthsea Trilogy – A Wizard of Earth Sea
Author: Ursula K. Le Guin

Earthsea Trilogy – Tehanu
Author: Ursula K. Le Guin

Foucault’s Pendulum
Author: Umberto Eco

Friday’s Child
Author: Georgette Heyer

The Grand Sophy
Author: Georgette Heyer

The Island of the Day Before
Author: Umberto Eco

Ladylord
Author: Sasha Miller

The Lord of the Rings Trilogy – The Fellowship of the Ring
Author: J. R. R. Tolkien

The Lord of the Rings Trilogy – The Two Towers
Author: J. R. R. Tolkien

The Lord of the Rings Trilogy – The Return of the King
Author: J. R. R. Tolkien

Lord of the Dead
Author: Tom Holland

The Modigliani Scandal
Author: Ken Follett

The Moor’s Last Sigh
Author: Salman Rushdie

The Name of the Rose
Author: Umberto Eco

Never Say Never
Author: Linda Hill

The Nonesuch
Author: Georgette Heyer

Pembroke Park
Author: Michelle Martin

Persuasion
Author: Jane Austen

Primary Colors
Author: Anonymous

The Rapture of Canaan
Author: Sheri Reynolds

Sophie’s World
Author: Jostein Gaardner

Speaking Dreams
Author: Severna Parks

Sylvester, or the Wicked Uncle
Author: Georgette Heyer

These Old Shades
Author: Georgette Heyer

A Virtuous Woman
Author: Kay Gibbons

Oathbound – Vows and Honor Series
Author: Mercedes Lackey

Oathbreakers – Vows and Honor Series
Author: Mercedes Lackey

Warrior Woman
Author: Marion Zimmer Bradley

Xena: Warrior Princess – The Empty Throne
Author: Ru Emerson

Xena: Warrior Princess – The Huntress and the Sphinx
Author: Ru Emerson

Xena: Warrior Princess – The Thief of Hermes
Author: Ru Emerson

Xena: Warrior Princess – Prophecy of Darkness
Author: Stella Howard, S. D. Perry

Non-Fiction

The Age of Chivalry
Author: National Geographic Society

Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl
Author: Anne Frank

The Art of Fiction
Author: John Gardner

The Book of Crests
Author: Mike MacLaren

Castles
Author: Eyewitness Books

Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dating
Author: Judith Kuriansky

Complete Idiot’s Guide to Wine
Author:

A Dictionary of Heraldry
Author: Stephen Friar

Erotic Poems
Editor: Peter Washington

Eve’s Revenge: Sinners and Saints and Stand-Up Sisters on the Ultimate Extinction of Men
Author: Tama Starr

Everyday Life of Medieval Travelers
Author: Marjorie Rowlings

Half-Truths and One-and-a-Half Truths: Selected Aphorisms
Author: Karl Krauss

Heroines
Author: Norma Jean Goodrich

A History of Erotic Literature
Author: Patrick J. Kearney

I Know You Really Love Me
Author: Dr. Doreen Orion

How to Travel with an Salmon and Other Essays
Author: Umberto Eco

Illustrator Type Magic
Author: Greg Simsic

Journal of a Solitude
Author: May Sarton

Knights
Author: Eyewitness Books

Love and Friendship
Author: Allan Bloom

Mythology
Author: Edith Hamilton

Photoshop 4.0 Classroom in a Book
Author: Adobe Press

Photoshop Type Magic
Author: Greg Simsic

Photoshop Web Magic
Author: Michael Ninness

The Poetry of Byron, Keats and Shelley
Author:

The Regency Rakes
Author: E. Beresford Chancellor

The Age of Scandal: An Excursion Through a Minor Period
Author: T. H. White

Sexuality in Western Art
Author: Edward Lucie Smith

The Tao of Pooh
Author: Benjamin Hoff

The Te of Piglet
Author: Benjamin Hoff

Teach Yourself Photoshop in 14 Days
Author: T. Michael Clark

Walden Pond
Author: H. D. Thoreau

Warriors of Medieval Times
Author: John Matthews and Bob Stewart

Wicked German for the Traveler
Author: Harold Tomb

Xenophobe’s Guide to Americans
Author: Stephanie Faul

Xenophobe’s Guide to Germans
Author: Stephan Ziedenitz, Ben Barkow

Continue ReadingBooks I Read in 1997 (92 titles)

The Prophet "on Marriage"

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Khalil Gibran
From the Book: The Prophet

Then Almitra spoke again and said…
"And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:

You were born together,
and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together
when the white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together
even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea
between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other’s shadow.

Continue ReadingThe Prophet "on Marriage"

The Passionate Shepherd to His Love

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Christopher Marlowe – 1599
From the Book: The Complete Poems and Translations

Come live with me and be my love,
And we will all the pleasures prove
That valleys, groves, hills, and fields,
Woods, or steepy mountain yields.

And we will sit upon rocks,
Seeing the shepherds feed their flocks,
By shallow rivers to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.

And I will make thee beds of roses
And a thousand fragrant poises,
A cap of flowers, and a kirtle
Embroidered all with leaves of myrtle;

A gown made of the finest wool
Which from our pretty lambs we pull;
Fair lined slippers for the cold,
With buckles of the purest gold;

A belt of straw and ivy buds,
With coral clasps and amber studs;
And if these pleasures may thee move,
Come live with me, and be my love.

The shepherds’s swains shall dance and sing
For thy delight each May morning:
If these delights thy mind may move,
Then live with me and be my love.

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IF

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Rudyard Kipling
From the Book: Rudyard Kipling: Everyman’s Poetry Library

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting;
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating;
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run –
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!

Continue ReadingIF

In Excelsis

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Amy Lowell
From the Book: Complete Poetical Works of Amy Lowell

You — you —
Your shadow is sunlight on a plate of silver;
Your footsteps, the seeding-place of lilies;
Your hands moving, a chime of bells across a windless air.

The movement of your hands is the long, golden running of light from a rising sun;
It is the hopping of birds upon a garden-path.

As the perfume of jonquils, you come forth in the morning.
Young horses are not more sudden than your thoughts,
Your words are bees about a pear-tree,
Your fancies are the gold-and-black striped wasps buzzing among red apples.
I drink your lips,
I eat the whiteness of your hands and feet.
My mouth is open,
As a new jar I am empty and open.
Like white water are you who fill the cup of my mouth,
Like a brook of water thronged with lilies.

You are frozen as the clouds,
You are far and sweet as the high clouds.
I dare to reach to you,
I dare to touch the rim of your brightness.
I leap beyond the winds,
I cry and shout,
For my throat is keen as is a sword
Sharpened on a hone of ivory.
My throat sings the joy of my eyes,
The rushing gladness of my love.

How has the rainbow fallen upon my heart?
How have I snared the seas to lie in my fingers
And caught the sky to be a cover for my head? How have you come to dwell with me,
Compassing me with the four circles of your mystic lightness,
So that I say "Glory! Glory!" and bow before you
As to a shrine?

Do I tease myself that morning is morning and a day after?
Do I think the air is a condescension,
The earth a politeness,
Heaven a boon deserving thanks?
So you — air — earth — heaven —
I do not thank you,
I take you,
I live.
And those things which I say in consequence
Are rubies mortised in a gate of stone.

Continue ReadingIn Excelsis

Does Santa Exist? A Scientific Inquiry

Author Unknown

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal, SPY magazine (January, 1997) — I am pleased to present a scientific inquiry into the existence of Santa Claus.

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau.

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to:

  • park,
  • hop out of the sleigh,
  • jump down the chimney,
  • fill the stockings,
  • distribute the remaining presents under the tree,
  • eat whatever snacks have been left,
  • get back up the chimney,
  • get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" could pull ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.

We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.09 times greater than gravity.

A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion – If Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

Continue ReadingDoes Santa Exist? A Scientific Inquiry

Twas the Dieter’s Christmas

christmas cookies

author unknown

T’was the night before Christmas and all round my hips
were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there

While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps
had just settled down to sugar-borne naps
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
sent thoughts of a binge to my body below

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear
On Prancer, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
now dash away pounds now dash away all
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
my clothes were all bulging from too much excess

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
if temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
in the morning I’ll starve…’til I take that first bite!

Continue ReadingTwas the Dieter’s Christmas

Goodbye Earl

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Chicks, From the CD: Fly

Fly by Chicks
Fly by Chicks

Mary Ann and Wanda were the best of friends
all through their high school days
both members ofthe 4-H Club, both active in the FFA.
After graduation Mary Ann went out,
looking for a bright new world.
Wanda looked all around this town
and all she found was Earl.

Well, it wasn’t two weeks after she got married
that Wanda started gettin’ abused.
She put on dark glasses, and long-sleeved blouses
and make-up to cover the bruises.
She finally got the nerve to file for divorce;
she let the law take it from there.
But Earl walked right through that restraining order
and put her in intensive care.

Right away Mary Ann flew in from Atlanta
on a red-eye midnight flight.
She held Wanda’s hand, and they worked out a plan,
and it didn’t take them long to decide that
Earl had to Die.

Goodbye, Earl.
Those black-eyed peas, they tasted alright to me, Earl.
You feelin’ weak? Why don’t you laid down and sleep, Earl.
Ain’t it dark, wrapped up in that tarp, Earl?

Well, the cops came by to bring Earl in;
They searched the house high and low.
Then they tipped their hats and said
"Thank you, ladies, if you hear from him let us know."
Well the weeks went by, and spring turned to summer
and summer faded into fall.
And it turns out he was a missing person
Who nobody missed at all.

The girls bought some land and a road-side stand
down on highway 109.
They sell Tennessee ham and strawberry jam
and they don’t lose any sleep at night,
’cause Earl had to die.

Goodbye, Earl.
We need a break; let’s go out to the lake, Earl.
We’ll pack a lunch, and stuff you in the trunk, Earl.
Well, is that alright? Good, let’s go for a ride, Earl.

Continue ReadingGoodbye Earl

Tangled Up in Blue

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Bob Dylan
CD: Bob Dylan’s Greatest Hits, Vol. 3

Bob Dylan's Greatest Hits
Bob Dylan’s Greatest Hits

Early one morning the sun was shining; I was laying in bed
Wondering if she’d changed at all, if her hair was still red
Her folks, they said our lives together sure was gonna be rough
They never did like Mama’s homemade dress, Papa’s bankbook wasn’t big enough
Me, I’m standing on the side of the road, rain falling on my shoes
I’m heading out to the old east coast, lord knows I’ve paid some dues

Getting through; tangled up in blue

She was married when we first met, soon to be divorced
I helped her out of a jam, I guess, but I used a little too much force
We drove that car as far as we could, abandoned it out west
Split up on a sad dark night, both agreeing it was best

She turned around to look at me as I was walking away
And I heard her say over my shoulder, we’ll meet again some day
On the avenue, tangled up in blue

I was living in the great North Woods, working as a cook for a spell
But I never did like it all that much, and one day the axe just fell
So I drifted down to New Orleans, where I happened to be employed
Yeah I was working for a while on a fishing boat, right outside of Delacroix

And all the while I was alone, the past was close behind
I’ve seen a lot of women, but she never escaped my mind
And I just grew tangled up in blue

She was working at a topless bar, and I stopped in for a beer
I just kept looking at the side of her face in the spotlight so clear
Now, later on the crowd thinned out, and I was just about to do the same
She’s standing there in that back of my chair, she said, don’t I know your name?

Well I muttered something underneath my breath, she studied the lines on my face
I must admit I felt a little uneasy when she bent down to tie the laces
Of my shoes; we were tangled up in blue. I know, I know, I know….

She lit a burner on the stove and offered me a pipe
I thought you’d never say hello, she said, you look like the silent type
And then she opened up a book of poems and handed it to me
Written by an Italian poet from the thirteenth century

Every one of those words rang true and glowed like burning coal
Pouring off of every page like it was written in my soul
From me to you; tangled up in blue

I lived with them on Montague Street
In a basement down the stairs, yeah
There was music in the cafes at night
And revolution in the air

That’s when he started into dealing with slaves
And something inside of her died, just died
She had to sell everything she owned
And she froze up inside

And finally, when the bottom feel out, I became withdrawn
The only thing I knew how to do was to keep on keeping on
Like a bird that flew
Tangled up in blue

Now I’m heading back again, I got to get to her somehow
And all the people that I used to know, they’re an illusion to me now
Some are mathematicians, some are carpenters’ wives
I don’t know how it all got started, I dunno what they’re doing with their lives

But me, I’m still on the road, headed for another joint
We always did feel the same, we just saw it from a different point
Of view, tangled up in blue. I know, I know, I know….

Continue ReadingTangled Up in Blue

Jesus Was Way Cool

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King Missile

<King Missile - Jesus Was Way Cool King Missile – Jesus Was Way Cool[/caption]/p>

Jesus was way cool
Everybody liked Jesus
Everybody wanted to hang out with him
Anything he wanted to do, he did
He turned water into wine
And if he wanted to
He could have turned wheat into marijuana
Or sugar into cocaine
Or vitamin pills into amphetamines

He walked on the water
And swam on the land
He would tell these stories
And people would listen
He was really cool

If you were blind or lame
You just went to Jesus
And he would put his hands on you
And you would be healed
That’s so cool

He could’ve played guitar better than Hendrix
He could’ve told the future
He could’ve baked the most delicious cake in the world
He could’ve scored more goals than Wayne Gretzky
He could’ve danced better than Barishnikov
Jesus could have been funnier than any comedian you can think of
Jesus was way cool

He told people to eat his body and drink his blood
That’s so cool
Jesus was so cool
But then some people got jealous of how cool he was
So they killed him
But then he rose from the dead
He rose from the dead, danced around
Then went up to heaven
I mean, that’s so cool
Jesus was way cool

No wonder there are so many Christians

Continue ReadingJesus Was Way Cool